


I Can't Breathe

by Maitea



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: #TheInsanelyInsecureJaredKleinman, A bunch of references in your face, A little bit of Galaxy Girls, Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Angst, Better Murphy Sibling Relationship, Cynthia tries to be a good mom, Developing Relationship, Fluff, Friendship, Friendship/Love, Happy Ending, Heidi's a good mom, Hope you all like it, Humor, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Jared is less of an asshole, M/M, Mutual Pining, Pining, Strangers to Lovers, They're all trying, Treebros, Zoe tries as well, hanahaki disease au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-27
Updated: 2018-06-15
Packaged: 2019-03-24 19:29:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 26,461
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13817913
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Maitea/pseuds/Maitea
Summary: “Evan, how long have you been in love with him?”“I w-wouldn’t call it l-love, actually.” Evan said. Jared rolled his eyes. “Answer the question, Hansen.” he said flatly. “A-about 10 years?” Evan blushed as he answered. He heard the two gasp, and actually freeze for a moment. “Holy- what?!” Zoe said first.“I mean, I should’ve known it was for 10 years. But on Connor Murphy?!”~okay so~Evan was born with the rare Hanahaki Disease that slowly replaces skin cells with flowers. It’s fatal, the average life span expected to be between 15-21 years of age. The only known cure is if the victim falls in love, and it’s requited by the other person before they die.Now 17, with flowers that cover nearly his whole body, Evan Hansen knows he can die any day now.





	1. Of All People

**Author's Note:**

> \- Warnings -  
> Probably not much, but I will say that the story will get deeper and more mature content will appear (there won't be smut cause I can't write it ya sinners). But for this chapter, I don't think anything is that triggering? Maybe a few name callings but that's it.
> 
> ~~~
> 
> Yo I haven't posted a story for about 2 months sorry 'bout that.
> 
> (Credit to https://i-used-to-wear-the-fedora.tumblr.com/ for the prompts, check them out for more of them!)
> 
> Its been a while since I've written a story so I'm p rusty. I am officially a fan of Dear Evan Hansen, and Treebros. So here's a story. Hopefully I won't lose determination half way and discontinue it.
> 
> Enjoy~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- Warnings -  
> Probably not much, but I will say that the story will get deeper and more mature/explicit content will appear (there won't be smut cause I can't write it ya sinners). But for this chapter, I don't think anything is that triggering? Maybe a few name callings but that's it.
> 
> ~~~
> 
> Yo I haven't posted a story for about 2 months sorry 'bout that.
> 
> (Credit to https://i-used-to-wear-the-fedora.tumblr.com/ for the prompts, check them out for more of them!)
> 
> Its been a while since I've written a story so I'm p rusty. I am officially a fan of Dear Evan Hansen, and Treebros. So here's a story. Hopefully I won't lose determination half way and discontinue it.
> 
> Enjoy~

Everything hurts. From his brain to the tip of his toes, all of it hurts. The pain he suffers is unbearable, and Evan knows that. Everyday, he vomits out another handful of flowers and petals. And each day, there’s more blood. He hated this, he hated himself.

Back when he was 7, he started having flowers bloom from his arms, he asked his mother why. He remembered seeing her face that day, it had a mixture of hurt and pain. Heidi Hansen sat him down, along with his father, and they explained to him that he was one of the few people that had severe Hanahaki Disease.

He knew about this disease, everyone did. But what he didn’t know was that flowers would be replacing his skin whenever he fell in love. And thus, he tried his best to not fall in love. But his parents did the opposite. They’d bring him to playgrounds and parks to find the perfect girl for him. But that didn’t work, it never did.

He liked someone else already.

One February day, he started coughing up flowers. And he was so scared. His mother came banging on his door, begging him to open it. When he did, his hands were full of flowers and blood. Heidi did everything to help.

But what didn’t help was that his father was leaving them the day after.

And if his own father couldn’t stand him, who would? Who would love him? His mother did, but that was what a mother was supposed to do. She’d probably hate him if she knew who Evan was falling in love with.

 

He knew he didn’t have that much time left, the average life span for people like him was just 15 to 21 years old. And 10 years later, with flowers that cover nearly his whole body, Evan knows he could die choking on the flowers any day now.

_But it never fucking happens does it?_

“You don’t look so good there, bud.” Jared approached him on the first day of senior year. “Was that another pun?” Evan said, unamused. “I don’t know, was it?” Jared teased. Evan offered a weak smile, then resumed back to his locker. “Wait, what happened to your arm?” Jared stared at his arm, which had a cast around it, waiting for answer. “W-well, funny story ac-actually. I fell out of a-a tree...”

Jared looked unconvinced for a moment, but decided to just let it slide. “What are you, an acorn?” he joked. Evan blushed at that, then he decided to ignore Jared. He _could_ ask Jared to sign his cast, but he probably didn’t want to anyway.

“Murphy!” he heard Jared call. Evan immediately froze up, there was only one Murphy that Jared would be calling. “Lovin’ that school shooter chick look.” Jared said. Evan turned around to see a very pissed Connor Murphy, shooting a death glare at Jared. “Its just a joke, Connor.” Jared tried to lighten the mood.

Connor chuckled. “Oh, I know. I’m laughing, can’t you tell?” Connor faked his laughter, which made both Jared and Evan uneasy. “Am I not laughing hard enough for you?” Connor walked closer to Jared, intimidating him. Jared gave a nervous laugh. “You’re suck a freak.” he said, then walked away from him.

So now, Evan was kind of stuck with an angry (and possibly high?) Connor Murphy.

“What are you looking at?” Connor said harshly. Evan didn’t realize that he was staring until Connor was walking closer to him, and fast. “Stop laughing at me.” he said, but there was a certain tone in his voice.

“You’re the fucking freak!” Connor yelled, and shoved Evan until he fell down. Connor ran, while Evan was rather frozen on the floor. A million thoughts were in his head. Of course he was a freak, he was the only one in school with flowers for skin. He was the guy who’d skip school sometimes because the pain was so much. He was the emotional wreck that everyone knew and didn’t like. He was a pathetic flower freak.

“Hey, are you alright?” he heard a girl’s voice. “W-what?” Evan stammered, looks like the anxiety was kicking in already. “Do you need to see the nurse?” the girl asked. Evan took a moment to realize that Zoe Murphy was the one in front of him. “Y-yes. I mean no!” Evan blushed.

“Let me help you.” Zoe insisted. Evan reached for her hand, and she pulled him up. “I’m sorry about my brother.” she said. “Oh, I’m Zoe by the way.” she quickly added. “Evan.” he replied shortly. “W-what about h-him?” Evan asked. Zoe looked confused for a moment. “Didn’t he just shove you?” she said. Evan tensed, and started to avoid eye contact with her. “N-no, not really. He was just-”

_Shit._

_He’s coughing._

“Just what?” Zoe raised an eyebrow. Evan started coughing, and he could taste a little bit of blood that came with it. “A-are you okay?” Zoe said worriedly. “Y-yeah I just-” Evan managed to say. “I g-gotta go, b-bye.” he tried to hide the pain behind his hand as he picked up his bag and ran towards the bathroom.

He quickly went into a stall and locked the door shut. He let the petals fall, trying hard not to make that much noise. But it was practically useless because he can’t control himself when it came to this. Its like the flowers were taking control on his veins, making their own movements, dominating him.

Then, he heard loud footsteps coming into the bathroom. “Evan?” he heard. Evan froze, but it proved to be stupid because he was coughing again. “Evan, open the goddamn door.” he hears Jared’s voice, but barely. Everything hurts, again. He tried his hardest to slide the lock, and for once, he actually managed it.

Jared came in a flash and locked the door as well. He looked mortified at the condition Evan was in, but this wasn’t the first time he’s seen him like this. When they were 11, Jared came over and found Evan carrying a handful of bloody petals in the palm of his hands. Jared was scared of him for about a week or so, until Evan had the chance to explain and apologize to him.

“Shit, hold on a sec-” Jared rummaged through his backpack to find something, maybe cough syrup or something. He gave up when he saw Evan cough up more than he could hold inside. “Holy shit- dude what the fuck,” Jared knelt down near him, and patted his back. “I’ve never seen you this bad before.”

“I’m sure-” Evan barely managed to speak, his throat felt very painful and dry. “of it, Jared.” he wiped his mouth with his shirt, and took a moment to breath. Jared took out a bottle that was filled with tea, and handed it to the poor boy. He remembered Heidi telling him to bring a bottle of it just in case _this_ happened.

Evan mumbled a ‘thank you’, and slowly drank the tea. They stayed silent for a few moments, and were thankful that there weren’t any students coming into the bathroom. “Alright.” Jared sighed. “Let’s go somewhere else.” he slowly stood up, and waited for Evan to follow him. “What about c-class?” Evan said as he gave the bottle to Jared.

He took the bottle, and shoved it back into his bag. “I’ll explain it to the teachers later, I’m sure they would understand.” Jared waved his hand. He grabbed his bag and unlocked the door. Evan slowly followed, and flushed the toilet before heading out.

He looked into the mirror, and thought he saw a ghost. His face was pale, and there were bloody tear stains as well. “Wash up, Ev.” Jared said while he washed his hands too. Evan nodded and splashed some water on his face. He lets the water run down his face, and takes a moment to breath and think about what just happened.

“Was it Murphy?” Jared asked, resting his arms on the sink. He wasn’t looking at him, and Jared seemed more focused and concerned than usual. Evan tensed, but he tried to stay still. “Does it matter?” he said instead. “It does because you’re dying over it.” Jared said, turning his head to look at him. “Quite literally.” he added.

Evan let out a weak laugh, then stared at his arms. The flowers were getting more and more visible now, Evan needed to ask his mother to buy him a hoodie or two. Actually, maybe not, because he was going to die soon anyway.

“I’ll lend you my hoodie if you want to.” Jared suggested. Evan shook his head, and earned a disappointed look from him. “That’s a no then.” Jared sighed. “Come on.” he walked towards the exit, with Evan following suit. “No one’s at the computer lab now,” Jared said. “why don’t you go there while I head to the teacher’s office.” he peeked at Evan, who nodded in response.

They arrived at the computer lab soon after, and it was indeed empty. “Take a break, Evan.” Jared patted his shoulder, and motioned to the teacher’s office. Evan closed the door behind him, and found a seat in one of the corner’s of the room. He took out his laptop, and open a familiar document from this morning. So he opened a new one, and started typing. 

_‘Dear Evan Hansen,_

_Turns out this wasn’t an amazing day after all. This isn’t going to be an amazing week or an amazing year, because why would it be?_

_You started off with being called a freak, which is totally true. Then you basically vomited your heart out and everything hurts. Everyday, it just hurts. All my hope is just pinned on that one person, who might not even know me._

_Maybe if you could just talk for once, then it might stop. But no, anxiety always gets the better of you. And at the worst time possible. That was absolutely the worst of you, and Jared had to see you too..._

_Why did it have to be Murphy of all people? I wish everything was different. I wish that anything I said mattered to anyone. I mean face it, would anyone notice if I just disappeared? Maybe I’ll be buried in my own flowers by the time they find me, if they ever do._

_Sincerely, your most best, and dearest friend, Me.’_

Evan didn’t even think twice about what would happen next when he pressed the ‘Print’ button. He headed towards the printer when he heard the sound of it going off. Then, he heard the sound of the door opening and closing. He assumed that Jared was back, but if he had, he wouldn’t be silent.

Evan turned his head to see Connor Murphy sitting on a chair, with his face buried in his arms. Evan tried his best to stay calm and remain silent, but the printer was being anything but that. So, he did one of the things he was apparently good at, ignoring.

But that plan fails when Jared comes in.

“Hey, Evan. The teachers said it would be fine, they even gave me some cough syrup.” Jared said, chuckling at the end. Evan looked at him like he saw a ghost, and Jared immediately regrets everything he said when he saw Connor in the same room as them.

“Hello, Murphy.” Jared said casually, hiding the cough syrup in his pockets. “Kleinman.” Connor replied flatly. “You didn’t hear anything, right?” Jared asked. Connor gave a smirk, and looked over at Evan. “Only if you can get me out of trouble.” Connor replied. “What?” Jared furrowed his eyebrows. Connor rolled his eyes. “Goddamn it Kl-”

They stopped talking when they heard someone coughing.

“S-sorry.” Evan said through his covered mouth. “Ah shit, right.” Jared mumbled, and went across the room to give Evan the syrup. “Thanks.” Evan said softly, and tried to find a bathroom. Evan finally decided to go outside instead, leaving Jared and Connor alone in the computer lab. Jared looked around for something to do, because he wanted to do anything but talk to Connor. Then, he saw a piece of paper on the printer. He took the paper, and read it.

Holy shit.

_Holy. Shit._

_‘All my hope is just pinned on one person,_  
who might not even know I exist.  
Why did it have to be Murphy of all people?’ 

Murphy? Jared checked the letter again and again. “Holy shit.” Jared said in realization. This was another one of Evan’s letters to himself, and this was about today? This was probably about who Evan might like.

Murphy.

That’s the only clue he has.

It had to be Zoe Murphy. Right? The last Jared checked, Evan was straight. And to add more to it, Evan was scared of Connor. It had to be Zoe! Jared remembered him talking to her as well, then he ran to the bathroom. Its all so clear.

Evan Hansen had a crush on Zoe Murphy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for errors idk what I'm even doing anymore
> 
> I actually spelled Jared Klienman instead of Kleinman before fml. And I pronounced Zoe's name as 'Zo', like I didn't say the 'e' for some stupid reason.
> 
> I hope ya liked it, have a nice day~
> 
> I did some art of Connor and Evan with Hanahaki Disease, check my tumblr to see it- https://www.tumblr.com/blog/amarie-chan


	2. I Knew This Would Happen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared bought a kazoo, Zoe told them some jazz band shenanigans, and Evan tells them a secret or two.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings :  
> None!
> 
> ~~~
> 
> Okay, nearly 200 hits in one day? That's too good, but thanks a bunch :3
> 
> This story is just the 3 of them hanging out, so yeah. Enjoy!

Jared won’t admit it, and probably never will, but he cares a lot about Evan. He constantly tells him that they’re friends because his parents want him to, and also about his car insurance. Jared only jokes about it because he’s not the kind of person to be caring and kind on the outside, he has his own walls to defend.

But ever since Jared found Evan in such a horrible condition, with petals and blood all over his face, he was willing to change. A little though, not that much.

Everyday is like a roulette for Evan, crossing your fingers and hoping that you’re safe, that you’re winning. Hoping that you get to live and bet for another day, and possibly win a jackpot, which in this case would be love.

Jared doesn’t like that.

Knowing that his best friend is slowly dying is not a comforting thought, it never is. So when Jared found that letter, he knew there was something that he could do. Evan might not agree, but he’ll surely thank him later. So now, all Jared has to do is talk to Zoe Murphy, ask her a favor, which is going on a date with Evan.

Easier said than done.

Zoe was one thing, Evan was a completely other problem that Jared had unknowingly forgotten about. He had to get Evan to agree on a date, because lord knows about what anxiety could do to him.

Maybe it could be a group date? He could get Alana Beck, or maybe not... Or maybe yes- Alana really likes to keep conversations going, that’s like her thing. So then it would Jared, Evan, Zoe, and Alana. That sounded great.

But what would the reason be?

Another thing Jared has to think about, and he doesn’t really like to think. Luckily, he had the internet. But before he could unlock his phone, he heard Evan coming back into the computer lab.

Jared quickly put the letter back into the printer, and hoped that Evan wouldn’t notice. Connor had left as soon as Evan came in, so they were alone. “Feelin’ better, Ev?” Jared asked. Evan nodded, and cleared his throat. “I’ve been better.”

Jared gave a little smile, then turned his head to the printer. “Is that yours?” he pointed at the letter. Evan’s eyes widened, and he immediately took the paper. “Woah there, buddy.” Jared chuckled. “D-did you r-read it?” Evan asked, clenching the letter close to his chest.

Jared rolled his eyes. “No, I didn’t.” he lied. Jared could hear him let out a sigh of relief, but oh little did he know. “By the way,” Jared started. How was he gonna say this? “Do you mind if you third wheel on a date of mine?” he said.

Evan stood very still, and Jared knew he wanted to decline his request. But of course, poor Evan always had a hard time saying ‘no’. Evan nodded weakly instead, and motioned to take a folder out from his bag. “Really?” Jared asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Because Zoe Murphy would be there too.” he lied, again. Evan stared at his bag, then at Jared. “Why?” Evan asked. “She’s also third wheeling.” Jared shrugged. “I didn’t want her to be alone, so I thought I could bring you along to keep her company.”

“How d-did you get a date already? Also, I’m p-pretty sure she’d want anyone but m-me.”

“I have my ways.” Jared replied. “Also, I’m pretty sure she’d want anyone but her brother to be with her.”

Evan furrowed his eyebrows, it almost looked like he was offended. “What’s that supposed t-to mean?” he asked. “I mean, would you want Connor to be there?” Jared asked back. A faint blush appeared on Evan’s cheeks, but Jared paid no attention to it.

“Look, just this once.” Jared crossed his arms. “You won’t be alone, I’ll save you from awkward situations as soon as I feel them coming.” he smiled. Evan sighed, and zipped his bag. “Fine.” he said softly.

“Saturday it is then.”

 

Jared _may_ have forgotten to ask Alana to help him out, but that’s besides the point. Jared could just say that his date had to cancel, easy as that. Now he could focus on Evan and Zoe, so guess who’s the one third wheeling now.

Zoe seemed pretty okay with the idea, she said she didn’t have anything else to do, other than homework. She was also pretty okay with Evan being there, so that’s one step closer to saving Evan.

Jared picked Evan up at his house first, and decided to give him a little pep talk. Evan had asked why he didn’t see anyone else with him, but Jared just shrugged and said “She had to cancel, so I guess its an outing now, with the three of us.”

Evan just nodded, and sat at the backseat of Jared’s car. The ride to the Murphy’s was silent, but a comfortable silence. Mostly because Jared wanted to let Evan prep himself for what’s to come.

Jared’s plan was just as simple as it could be. He’d pick up the two, then they’d go to a movie, because Evan likes it when he doesn’t have to talk, and Zoe liked the idea of just watching a movie in general.

Then, they’d go shopping a little. Jared asked his parents for some extra money, saying that he needed it to buy some books and other school stuff. His parents were suspicious at first, but when he mentioned Evan’s name, they nodded and gave the money to him without a second thought.

Boy, he’s good at lying.

And to end it, they’d go grab some food. Jared would excuse himself when he thought that it was a good time, and he would observe the two. A classic cliché that Jared loved and hated all the same. But he had to do it, for Evan.

 

The plan goes well. Actually, Jared would admit that this was a great idea. After the movie, they all talked about it and basically roasted because ‘The Emoji Movie’ was, and always will be, a horrible movie.

And as planned, they went shopping next. They browsed the aisles and shops, and when Zoe saw a shop that had a promotion on musical instruments, they just had to follow her in. In the end, Zoe bought a kalimba, Jared bought a kazoo, and Evan bought some strings for his ukulele.

They all stopped at a cafe, and ordered their own pastries and drinks. They all continued to talk about each other, and told some stories too. Zoe kept telling them jazz band shenanigans. Like the one time they were rehearsing, someone decided to play ‘The Careless Whisperer’ once they were finished.

Once Jared felt like Evan could handle himself, he excused himself from them. “Gotta go powder your nose, Kleinman?” Zoe joked. “Sure, sure. Just don’t touch my stuff or you’ll regret it.” he said. Jared looked back halfway and made sure that it was okay, then slid over to hide somewhere close, so he could observe them.

“So its like a movie where this girl meets these three popular girls, and they turn her into one of them.” Zoe moved her hands as she spoke. “You know there’s a guy from the movie as well and he reminds me of Connor.”

“Oh r-really?” Evan said. “Yeah, he wears a trench coat and he slowly turns insane.” Zoe took her drink and took a little sip. “Y-you think Connor’s i-insane?” Evan asked. “What? No, of course not.” Zoe said, setting her drink down. “I mean, he can be a dick sometimes, but that only happens when he’s high or angry.”

“Y-yeah, I-I can tell.” Evan sighs. “Speaking of,” Zoe rested her chin on her hand. “what happened to you that day?” she asked. “W-what do you m-mean?” Evan said. “I mean that day we were talking, then you started coughing.” she explained.

“And don’t lie to me, I saw petals.” she whispered. Evan blushed. “We-well... I d-don’t know. You’re g-gonna think that I-I’m weird or s-something.” he stammered. “Evan, trust me. I’ve met weirder people than you.” Zoe giggled.

“W-well, uhm... I d-don’t really know how to tell you...” Evan tried to avoid Zoe’s eyes. “Do I know this person?” Zoe asked. Evan nodded. “Am I close to them?” she played the guessing game. “V-very close.” Evan blushed again. “Okay, are they a boy or a girl?”

“W-what?” Evan asked, looking at Zoe with wide eyes. “I mean, you never know.” she shrugged. “So what is it?” she asked. “Its...” Evan looked away, and took a deep breath. “A boy?” he answered. “You sound unsure.”

“I m-mean, I don’t k-know.” Evan squeezed his hand. “Jared doesn’t even k-know so y-yeah.” he said. “Really? Dude you gotta tell me now.” Zoe looked excited. “P-promise you won’t j-judge or t-tell anyone?” Evan asked. “Cross my heart.” Zoe said, crossing over her heart. Evan nodded quickly, and cleared his throat.

“Ihaveacrushonyourbrother-”

He said quickly, but Zoe heard every word.

And so did Jared.

“Dude-” he accidentally blew his cover. “Jared?!” both Zoe and Evan said. “Shit- sorry!” Jared raised a hand to apologize. He went back to his seat, and looked at Evan. “Dude, you didn’t tell me you were gay.” he said softly, so only the three of them could hear it.

“I-I’m actually bisexual, I t-think?” Evan protested. “I don’t k-know.” he felt overwhelmed. “Jared, were you eavesdropping on us?” Zoe tried her best to keep her voice quiet. “No! I mean, yes but-” he face palmed himself.

“Okay, I’m sorry in advance.” he started off. “But I saw your letter that day at the computer lab, and I saw the name ‘Murphy’, so I thought you meant Zoe. Why? Because I thought you were straight, but apparently you fucking aren’t so do ya mind telling me why you kept this from me?”

“Wait y-you said you didn’t read my letter.” Evan said. “I lied, Evan. And so did you.” Jared shrugged. “I set this up because I thought you liked Zoe, and I thought I could help you with the flowers and stuff.”

“I knew it!” Zoe said, snapping her fingers. “Wait you have a crush on my brother?” she asked quietly. Evan blushed, and hid his face in his hands. “C-can we n-not talk about it h-here?” he pleaded.

“Oh, right.” Jared took his drink. “Let’s go to my car then.” he suggested. “Alright.” Zoe said, quickly finishing the last of her drink. “That way he can’t run from us.” she added, and smirked at Evan.

“I knew this would happen.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alana? Oh, she's not coming in yet, sorry.
> 
> Zoe actually agreed to the outing because she wanted to ask Evan about the thing, and she succeeded. Got more too.
> 
> The Careless Whisperer thing is based on a true story hehe
> 
> Jared seems a little out of character?? Idk why but I'll fix that in future chapter so just you wait
> 
> Hey there Heathers reference-
> 
> (Oh look a tumblr - https://www.tumblr.com/blog/amarie-chan)
> 
> Have a nice day~


	3. What Was That All About?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "We're fine, Connor. Now we'll be going, thanks and goodbye." Jared replied, and opened the door. He shut the door rather forcefully, like he was angry.
> 
> Connor was just confused and rather pissed by what just happened.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings :  
> None~
> 
> ~~~
> 
> Okay, there's gonna jumps on perspective's. First will be Jared's, the Evan's, and Connor at the end. I hope its clear when they switch so yeah~ Enjoy!

Connor Murphy is ultimately the coldest, angriest asshole in school who doesn’t like anyone.

And that’s the one thing they’ve established so far.

“Yes, I know. But he’s only like that when he’s high or pissed, like I said. If he cares about you, he can be a little patient.” Zoe said, leaning against the backseat of Jared’s car. “I hope so.” Jared sighed. “Evan, how long have you been in love with him?”

“I w-wouldn’t call it l-love, actually.” Evan said. Jared rolled his eyes. “Answer the question, Hansen.” he said flatly. “A-about 10 years?” Evan blushed as he answered. He heard the two gasp, and actually freeze for a moment. “Holy- what?!” Zoe said first.

“I mean, I should’ve known it was for 10 years. But on Connor Murphy?!” Jared said. “What else have you been lying about?” he added. Evan shrugged, and they all went silent.

“Alright.” Zoe said, clapping her hands. “Now, we’re gonna have to pair you two up.” she said with a smirk. “Wait what?” both Evan and Jared said. “Is he even gay?” Jared asked. Zoe nodded. “He kinda came out when he was high.”

“Well that’s good.” Jared chuckled. They turned their attention to Evan, who has been silent for quite a while. “So, what do you think?” Zoe asked. Evan tensed. “I-I don’t know...” he sighed. “I d-don’t think this will w-work.” he added.

Jared snapped his fingers, grabbing Evan’s attention. “I just found out about this, and I am not going down without a fight.” he said. “Zoe, you in?” Jared asked, fixing his glasses. Zoe nodded without hesitation. “I mean, we can try.”

“Good, because without you our plan would be hopeless.” Jared replied. He took his seat belt and buckled himself up. “Buckle up, fellas.” he said, gripping the steering wheel. He waited to hear the sound of the other two fastening their own seat belts, and let out a deep breath.

“Next stop, the Murphy’s.”

Jared pulled up at the front of the Murphy household, and turned to Zoe. “So, what exactly are we gonna do?” he asked. Zoe looked confused for a moment. “I thought you already had a plan?” she said. “Considering the fact that you suddenly drove here without any explanation.” she added.

Jared let out a nervous laugh. “Yeah, I kinda did that without thinking.” he said. Zoe gave him a disappointed look, then unbuckled her seat belt. “Alright, you two are coming in.” she said, opening her side of the door. Jared and Evan exchanged a look, before Jared shrugged and turned off the car.

Evan followed Jared, and went inside the house. He shut the door behind him, and let out a sigh of relief when Zoe said “There’s no one else at home, don’t worry.”. Evan kind of stood there, and looked around the living room. It felt nice, really nice and cozy.

“Have a seat, Ev.” Zoe gestured to the couch, and turned the TV on. “Thanks.” Evan said, and sat next to Jared. Zoe turned down the volume, and threw the remote next to her. “So, what’s the plan, Kleinman?”

“How should I fuckin’ know?” Jared said rather harshly. “I’m on the same page as you Zoe.” he added. “Yeah but-” Zoe stopped when she heard a door slam upstairs. They were all unmoving, and only shared looks with each other.

“I t-thought you s-said no one else w-was home?” Evan whispered. Zoe shrugged, and stood up from her seat. “Connor?” she called. Evan’s heart started racing. There was no response, so Zoe went up to check. “X’cuse me.” she said.

Jared and Evan just waited for her, and soon they heard people talking. “And don’t do some weird shit cause we have guests right now.” Zoe said as she came down the stairs. “Fine!” they all heard Connor reply.

“Connor’s here, but he’s listening to music so we’re probably fine.” Zoe sat back on the couch. “Probably?” Jared raised an eyebrow. “Let’s just get back to the topic at hand.” she clapped her hands. “How are we gonna make Connor go on a date with Evan?”

“W-what?!”

“Fuck- calm down dude.” Jared said. “S-sorry...” Evan apologized. “B-but can you not be s-so straightforward?” he added. Zoe giggled. “Right, sorry. I forgot that you’re always anxious.”

“Tell me about it.” Jared chimed in. “Alright so-” Zoe stopped when they heard someone coming down the stairs. “Zo, where are your earphones?” Connor asked, resting his arms against the stair railing.

“Why what happened to yours?” Zoe asked, turning around to see Connor. “They fell down somewhere and I can’t fuckin’ find them.” he answered. “Watch the language, Murphy.” Jared said with a smirk. “Fuck you, Kleinman.” Connor said flatly.

“Connor, don’t be rude.” Zoe said. “Zo, just give me what I want.” Connor groaned. “Tell me where you hid my nail polish first.” Zoe said, turning her head. Evan and Jared saw Connor blush for a moment, before his face turned sour. “I don’t know what you’re talking about, Zoe.” Connor said, walking down the stairs. “Oh really? Because I know that you took the h-”

“No- no. There is no need for that, Zo.” Connor cut her off. “They’re over here.” Connor went to the kitchen, and reached at the top of the fridge. He threw the bottle (of hot pink nail polish?) to Zoe, who caught it swiftly with one hand. “Thank, buddy.” Zoe said. Connor reached into the fridge and took out a bottle of milk. “Give me the earphones Zoe.” Connor said, then drank the milk.

“Sure, if you can find it.” Zoe crossed her arms. “As I was saying before I was-” she paused when Connor took a seat next to her. “rudely interrupted.” she continued. “Jared, tell me when did Evan last throw up?” she asked. “A few hours ago, why?” Jared said. Just then, Evan suddenly coughed.

He coughed really loudly.

“Bathroom’s upstairs, first room to your left.” Zoe said as if she knew what would happen next. Evan nodded and stood up, motioning towards the bathroom. “Make that recently then.” Jared corrected himself. “What are you guys talking about?” Connor asked.

 

Evan just had to start coughing right here, and right now. That’s not good. He quickly searched for the bathroom, and locked the door. He started coughing out the flowers, and the blood as well. He didn’t have water, he didn’t have Jared, he didn’t have anything.

Connor triggered his disease again, at least they didn’t touch. It hurts, everything hurts. He just wanted the pain to end, maybe now he’ll die. At least someone will tell Connor about his painful love for him.

“Evan? Open the door.” he heard someone at the door. He couldn’t tell who it was, because his brain was too noisy. “Open the door before I do it myself, Evan.” he can that its Jared now. Evan covers his mouth and slowly unlocks the door.

Jared slides in and he’s holding a bottle of water. “How the fuck does he trigger your disease?” Jared asks. He unscrew the bottle cap and gives it to Evan. “As long a-as he’s near I guess i-it triggers.”

“That’s gonna be a problem then.” Jared sighed. Evan coughed out the last of the petals and blood, then drank the water. “C-can we g-go home?” Evan managed to say. “Sure, but I’d clean myself up first if I were you.” Jared said.

Evan nodded, and gave the bottle back to Jared. He flushed the toilet and washed his face, then waited for Jared to open the door. “Let’s just hope he’s not downstairs anymore.” Jared said before unlocking the door.

 

“No, I’m not dating one of them. We’re just friends.” Zoe said. “I get that, but why were you the only girl?” Connor asked. “I mean, I know Kleinman is just an asshole and his other friend-”

“Evan Hansen.” Zoe interrupted.

“and Hansen is kinda shy and anxious all the time.” Connor crossed his arms. “ But still.” he added. “I know, I know. But I’m here right now, okay? Safe and sound.” Zoe patted Connor’s head, and stood up.

“Gonna go charge my phone, be right back.” she said and went up to her room. "Get your fucking earphones while you're at it, would ya?" Connor said loudly. Soon, Zoe was out of his sight, and he was just lying down on the couch.

"They're not here, come on." he heard Kleinman. "I'll text Zoe later, let's just get you home for now." he added. He heard faint footsteps going down the stairs, and making their way towards the door.

Connor sat up just before they opened the door. "You didn't steal anything did you?" Connor asked. He saw the two boys jump, and turned their heads. "Tempting thought, Murphy. But no." Kleinman replied. "Tell Zoe thanks for today. We'll be go-"

"Is that blood?" Connor pointed at Evan, who had a hand over his mouth. Jared looked at Evan, then whispered something to him. Evan just shrugged when Jared pulled back. "You sure you're okay?" Connor asked.

He should've asked that since the first day, honestly.

Evan Hansen. He almost forgot his name before, but Zoe had to remind him. He still didn't get a change to say sorry, or anything at all. He wanted to say sorry that day, when he saw him at the computer lab. But of course, Jared Kleinman had to come in. He probably shouldn't read that much into it, but the kid did nothing wrong. He just wanted to say something to the poor kid.

"We're fine, Connor. Now we'll be going, thanks and goodbye." Jared replied instead, and opened the door. He shut the door rather forcefully, like he was angry. Connor slowly laid back down, and stared at the ceiling.

What was that all about?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Zoe : CONNOR, COME OUT WE'RE GONNA BE LATE  
> Connor, high as fuck : I'M GAY  
> Zoe, slightly confused : OKAY, I SUPPORT YOU BUT STILL WE'RE GONNA BE LATE-
> 
> \- That was a good shitpost that made me laugh for a minute or two  
> \- Btw I don't have a schedule for when the next chapters come so I really just update whenever I can  
> \- How do you make Jared an asshole like wtf  
> \- Well he's an ass to Connor so that's one thing?  
> \- Okay people use Google docs to write their stories but I use WPS Writer so is that weird??  
> \- Kinda OOC Jared now and I doN'T KNOW IF I LIKE IT-  
> \- #TheMurphySiblingsBonding  
> \- Yes, Connor took hot pink nail polish from Zoe  
> \- I don't like this chapter cause it felt like filler to me I'm sorry  
> \- If you're wondering about the flowers that grow on his skin, they're just small flowers so its not really that obvious.
> 
> Mah tumblr - Amarie-chan (I post art there hehe)


	4. À La Mode

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor apologizes to Evan, and takes him to a familiar ice-cream shop.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning :  
> None!
> 
> ~~~
> 
> Here's chapter 4! Featuring the famous À La Mode that nearly every DEH fanfic has-
> 
> Enjoy~

Evan is still getting used to this Jared that is for some reason protecting him. Its been a real mystery, actually. Ever since what happened at the Murphy house, Jared’s been a little more friendlier to Evan, and more of an ass to Connor.

Every time Connor tried to get close to Evan, Jared would drag Evan out of his sight as soon as possible. Evan appreciates it, but Connor seems more pissed every time it happens. The change is worrying Evan, but only a little.

Its been happening for about 2 weeks.

He and Jared only share 3 classes together, and with Connor there’s 2. With or without Jared though, Evan avoids Connor all the time. He’s been doing it for years, how could you stop now?

Well, that’s when the other person comes to you.

Jared didn’t come to school today, ate something and got sick from it. Evan guessed it could’ve been bathbombs, but he doesn’t know. Jared can be unpredictable sometimes, and that’s what Evan really dislikes.

So for lunch period, Evan was alone. He only went to the cafeteria when Jared wanted him to, so for other times, he would go to the library. He just had to spend lunch time at a perfectly nice, warm, quiet little library. Its fairly simple, right? But not even 5 minutes have passed yet, and suddenly Connor Murphy was sitting right next to him.

Evan jumped a little when he saw the other boy, and tried not to make eye contact with him. They were silent for a while, until Connor spoke up.

“Kleinman’s not here today?” he asked. Evan just nodded, he felt like he couldn’t speak. “So you don’t have any guards with you right now, do you?” he joked. Evan blushed, and shook his head. “N-no, I-I don’t t-think so, a-at least.”

“Relax, I’m joking.” Connor said, and rested his arms on the table. “I-I know. Evan replied. They went back to silence, but it wasn’t an awkward silence, just a normal one. Evan noticed that Connor seemed nervous though.

“Alright-” Connor groaned. “I’m sorry.” he said softly. Evan was surprised, and also confused. “For w-what?” he asked. “For everything, I guess?” Connor replied. “For pushing you, for insulting you, and for some other reasons that made Kleinman hate me more than he already has.” he explained.

“Could you maybe tell me why’s that, actually?” he added. Evan started to sweat, he couldn’t tell Connor the truth. “I-I’m n-not actually s-sure myself.” he lied. Connor seemed convinced though, because he just nodded.

“Okay then.” Connor sighed. “Are you free after school?” he asked again. Evan nodded, not knowing where Connor was going with this. “I was thinking about bringing you somewhere, to you know-” he paused. “Apologize?”

“You already d-did, though.” Evan said. “I know, but like- fuck.” Connor gave a nervous laugh. “I feel bad, alright? You made my sister happy and I’ve only been a dick to you.” he said. “Plus, I think you’d like it.”

Evan wanted to ask more about Zoe,but decided to let it slide because he didn’t want to talk more than he really needed to. “I-I don’t t-think so.” he said. The thought of people watching him eat and judging him was unbearable, he just couldn’t. “Don’t worry, its not that fancy.” Connor said. “Just an ice-cream shop I really like.” he added.

Evan liked ice-cream, and he couldn’t say no. “I g-guess?” he said. “Is that a yes or a no?” Connor asked. “Y-yes.” Evan let out a nervous smile. Connor seemed satisfied by that, but he’s not leaving. “Uhm...” Connor said. “Can I ask another thing?” he asked. Evan nodded, what else would Connor want? 

“Who is she?”

“W-what?” Evan furrowed his eyebrows. “I mean, your disease.” Connor said. “Who’s making you throw up that stuff?” he asked. Evan thought the irony was so fucking real that time. “I-its n-not really a g-girl, actually.” Evan replied. Why is he saying this to Connor?

“Holy shit, you’re gay?” Connor perked up. Evan nodded, again. “I think I’m m-more of a b-bisexual? I d-don’t know.” Evan added. “Well, that’s nice.” Connor mumbled. “I’m hella gay, and my dad hates that.” he sighed.

“Another reason for him to hate me, I guess.” he said. “Y-you came out?” Evan asked. Connor nodded, and stared at his hands. “Well, I was high. But it counts in my book.” Connor chuckled.

“Oh, fuck I almost forgot.” Connor reached into his pocket and took his phone out. “Give me your number.” he said. “W-why?” Evan asked, then turned to find his phone. “So I can call you later.” Connor replied.

Evan finally found his phone, and lent it to Connor. He noticed that Connor’s phone was more modern than his, perks of being rich, he guessed. “Done.” Connor returned the phone to Evan. “Hold on a sec.” he said, then started typing. A few seconds later, Evan received a message.

_**Unknown number** : yo itz me_

Evan quickly saved Connor’s number, and messaged back.

_**You** : Saved_

He looked up from his phone, and noticed that Connor was kind of staring at him. He looked away though, so he didn’t know for sure. “What’s your last class?” Connor asked. “History.” Evan answered.

“Well, that’s good. We’re gonna be on the same floor then.” Connor said. “Do you want me to go get you at your class or just meet up at the parking lot?” he asked, turning his phone off. “O-outside would be n-nice.”

“Alright, then.” Connor gave him a little smile. “Just text me if there’s something wrong, alright?” he said. “S-sure.” Evan replied. A few moments later, the bell rang. “Well, that’s our signal.” Connor said, and stood up.

“See you later, Hansen.” Connor said to him, and left.

_Wait, how did Connor know his name?_

 

Evan went out of class as soon as the teacher dismissed them, and headed towards the parking lot. He checked his phone to see if Connor texted him, but only got one from his mom.

_**Mom** : Hey, sweetie. I’m gonna be on the night shift, so I’m gonna be home late. I baked a pie for you, though. I hope that’s enough. Love you, and be home safe!_

_**You** : That’s more than enough. Thanks and love you too, mom._

Evan smiled, and felt someone tapping on his shoulder. Evan jumped a little when he saw Connor peeking over his shoulder. “C-Connor!” Evan squealed. “Sor-” Connor paused. “Wait, did we introduce ourselves at all yet?” he asked.

Evan thought for a moment, and no. They didn’t. “I d-don’t think s-so.” Evan said, putting his phone in his pocket. “Right, fuck I’m so forgetful sometimes.” Connor hissed at himself. “Connor Murphy.” he said.

“Evan Hansen.”

“Great, we’re friends now.” Connor smiled. Friends? Did Evan really hear Connor say that? “You ready to go?” he asked. Evan nodded. “S-sure.” he said. “Great, cause I can’t wait to get a fucking brain freeze.”

“You’d have t-to eat a l-lot of ice-cream f-for that.” Evan said. “I know.” Connor took his keys out from his pockets, and lead them to his car. “Who’s to say I haven’t though?” he asked. Evan felt a little surprise. “H-how much did you eat?”

“I think it was a whole Sundae.” Connor said. “It was a long time ago. My dad broke a toy plane that me and Zoe had, so he bought us ice-cream to redeem himself.” Connor said. “And he did, until he stopped.” he added.

Evan remembered the days he and his father would have fun together before he left, he never knew the reason why, everything just happened so fast. “That sucks.” he mumbled. “Well, that doesn’t matter now.” Connor said as he opened the car door.

“Come on, let’s go.”

 

They both sat in the car with music in the background. Evan didn’t recognize the music, but it sounded really nice. Connor was singing along to it, and smiled every once in a while.

Evan decided to stare out the window. They’ve been driving for some time now, and they were going to a part of town that Evan had never heard of before. The scenery was amazing, the evening sky and the tall tress made a wonderful view.

“What flavor do you want?” Connor asked. “For the ice-cream, I mean.” He added. “Uhm, vanilla w-would be nice.” Evan said. “You wanna go with me or just stay here?” Connor asked again. “Or we can sit outside, like under a tree or something.”

“I’d l-like that.” Evan answered. “U-under the tree, I m-mean.” he gave an anxious smile. Connor smiled back, and turned the car towards an ice-cream shop. “Well, here we are.” he said, and turned the car off.

“À La Mode?” Evan read the sign. “Yup.” Connor opened the car door. “C’mon, I’ll order for you.” he said and got out of the car. Evan followed, and liked the way the shop looked. “This looks nice.” he mumbled.

He saw Connor already standing at the counter, ordering their sweets. He went towards him, and saw a blonde lady scooping up the ice cream. “Forgot to ask you, cone or cup?” Connor turned to Evan. “C-cup.”

“Okay,” Connor turned back to the lady. “Vanilla in a cup too, please.” he said. The lady nodded, and went to the back to grab a cup and spoon. “Would you like any toppings?” she asked. Connor looked at Evan, who shook his head. “No thanks, we’ll be fine.” he said. The lady nodded again, and started scooping.

A few minutes later, they got their ice-cream and paid the lady. “Have a nice day!” she said kindly. “Thanks.” Connor replied. “Let’s go find a place to sit.” he then said to Evan. Connor had gotten chocolate and coffee in a cone, and it looked rather delicious.

“This a good spot for you?” Connor pointed towards a spot under a big tree. Evan nodded, and started eating his ice-cream. They walked to the tree, and sat on the grassy ground. They ate in a comfortable silence, and looked at the sky for nearly the whole time.

“What’s your favorite color?” Connor asked suddenly. “Blue.” Evan answered. “Oh, really? I haven’t noticed.” Connor teased. Evan actually gave a smile, “Well, w-what about you?”

“Purple, believe or not.” Connor said. “Black isn’t actually a color, so yeah.” he added. “What about you?” he looked at Evan. “W-what about m-me?” Evan asked. “Why blue?” Connor was already halfway at his cone. “Well, i-its really pretty. A-and it r-reminds me of the s-sky, I guess?” he said. Connor seemed content with the answer, so he continued eating his cone.

At one moment, Connor looked down at Evan’s cast.

“No one’s signed your cast yet?” he asked. “N-no.” Evan answered. “Not even Kleinman? I thought he would’ve since he’s always with you and all.” Connor said. “I t-tried to ask him once, b-but he just ignored m-me.”

“Well, he’s an ass.” Connor chuckled. “You got a sharpie?” he asked. Evan shook his head. “Hold on.” Connor checked his pockets, and looked like he found what he wanted. “I’ll sign it then.”

“Y-you don’t h-have to.” Evan stammered. “But I want to, so here.” Connor ate the last of his ice-cream, and uncapped the sharpie. He wrote his name down in large letters, it covered nearly his whole cast. “Done.” Connor said, putting the cap back on.

“Now people will know we’re somewhat friends.”

“F-friends?” Evan said. “I mean, if you want to.” Connor gave an anxious smile, and put the sharpie back into his pocket. “I know what I am in school, so if you don’t want to be around me that’s fine.” he sighed.

“N-no!” Evan said a little bit too loud. “S-sorry I mean-” he stammered. “I w-wanna be friends w-with you, b-but why would y-you want to b-be friends w-with me? I’m s-stupid, I s-stutter a lot, I c-can’t get a-anything r-right. I’m annoying-”

“Well, we have something in common then.” Connor interrupted him. “I don’t think you’re annoying, if that’s what’s worrying you.” he said. “I don’t want you to feel anxious around me, or something like that. If its anything, you should probably not be around me.”

“If I’m not hurting myself, I’m hurting everybody else around me.”

Evan set his now finished cup down, and patted Connor’s shoulder. “I-if it h-helps, y-you can t-tell me your p-problems whenever y-you want.” he said sincerely. “I-I wouldn’t j-judge you or anything.” he added.

Connor smiled at him, and sighed. “I know you won’t.” he said softly. He slowly stood up, and searched for his keys. “Let’s get back, I don’t wanna get you in trouble or anything.” he stretched his body, and helped Evan up.

“Sure-” Evan choked. Connor blinked a few times. “Are you okay?” he asked. Evan couldn’t nod. “I-is there a b-bathroom here?” he managed to ask. “Yeah, its at the back. Want me to take you there?” Evan nodded hesitantly, and Connor grabbed his good arm and lead him to the bathroom. “I’ll wait out here.” Connor said, and shut the door.

Evan started coughing out flowers, and he hoped that Connor wouldn’t hear him.

Connor knocked on the door probably five minutes later. “Evan? You okay in there?” he asked. Evan had stopped a minute before, now he was just waiting for the pain to go away. “Knock once if yes, Evan.” he heard Connor say.

Evan knocked on the door once, and shut his eyes again. Connor didn’t respond after that, so Evan decided to wash up and see where he went. He flushed the toilet, washed his face, and tried to get rid of anything that might embarrass him.

He unlocked the door, and stepped outside. Connor was no where in sight, he slowly walked to the front, and found that Connor’s car was still there. He looked around, Connor wasn’t anywhere in his sight.

He suddenly felt a light tap on his shoulder. He turned around to see Connor, holding a water bottle. “C-Connor? W-where did you go?” he asked, holding a hand over his chest. “I went to get you some water.” Connor replied, and handed the bottle to Evan.

Evan silently took the bottle, and unscrewed the cap. “T-thanks.” he said, then chugged the water down. When he was finished, he realized that he had drank all of it down. “Are you sure you’re okay?” Connor asked worriedly.

“N-now I am.” Evan said, and screwed the cap back on. “For n-now, at least.” he added. “If you say so.” Connor said. “Do you wanna go home now?” he asked. “S-sure.” Evan replied, and started walking towards his car.

He was sure to write about this later at home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've listened to 'Perfect' by Ed Sheeran while writing this so now all I can think about is fluff
> 
> \- Gotta make them close first so we can get to that sweet, sweet angst and fluff later on  
> \- Evan's not throwing up as much I wonDER WHY  
> \- Coughing out blood is so freakin scary because I had a friend do that yesterday so now I'm concerned  
> \- Longest chapter to date, 2959 words!  
> \- You all know mah tumblr by now (Amarie-chan)  
> \- Thing is I'm also on DEH Amino (Marie)
> 
> Have a nice day!


	5. Today Was A Very Good Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Today was a very good day, and we're hoping for an even better one tomorrow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warnings :  
> None! (Better enjoy it while it lasts)
> 
> ~~~
> 
> Just a little chapter. Evan's letter, some Murphy sibling time, and Connor's planning a thing so-
> 
> Enjoy!

_‘Dear Evan Hansen,_

_Today was a very good day, why?_

_Well, it didn’t start out good. Jared didn’t come to school today, so you were alone. That’s what you thought, at least. Connor Murphy talked to you, and apologized? Why would he be sorry when he didn’t do anything wrong._

_Actually, he did. But that doesn’t matter._

_You have a friend now! Jared is, but he keeps saying ‘family friend’ and that’s supposed to be different. You and Zoe aren’t really close so you can’t say for sure. Connor though, he even asked you if you wanted to be friends. So you said yes, because you can’t say no._

_Why would you?_

_Then you hung out and got to know each other better. I thought it would go so badly, but it turned out to be fine. Well, except the part where you started throwing up again... But you know what? Stay positive! Today was a good day, and maybe it’ll slowly get better._

_Sincerely, Me.’_

 

Surely, Connor could message Evan. Right? He has his number, and Evan said that he could talk to him whenever he wanted to. It was fine right?

Why is he caring so much about this again?

He doesn’t care. He doesn’t, that’s his thing. He’s too depressed to give a shit. And yet, this is? Maybe its because he doesn’t know what friends do. Well, whatever happened this evening, surely that was something that friends would do right? Hanging out, talking to each other, sharing stories and that kind of shit.

Connor would gladly throw his phone across the room right now, but he doesn’t want to. Because then he wouldn’t be able to talk to Evan. He would, if he could just actually start to text him-

A flash of light caught his attention.

He turned his head to see Zoe, standing at the doorway and holding her phone up. “You look troubled.” she said, setting her phone down. “Did you just take a picture of me?” Connor hissed. Zoe shrugged. “Maybe, maybe not.”

“Fuck off, Zoe.” Connor grabbed a nearby pillow and used it to cover his face. “I would,” Zoe considered. “But then I wouldn’t get to know what’s on your mind.” she said. “None of your fucking business, Zo.” Connor mumbled through his pillow.

“Fine.” Zoe gave up. Connor groaned, and his threw pillow across the room. “Its stupid.” he said flatly. “Everything is stupid.” Zoe crossed her arms. “Is it really none of my fucking business?” she added. “Yes. No? How should I fucking know.” Connor grabbed his phone, and looked at the screen.

He froze a moment when he saw a message.

From Evan.

Connor’s not an expert, but he’s sure that the kid has really bad anxiety or something. He glances over to Zoe, who was just watching him. “Do you actually need anything?” he asked. Zoe shrugged again. “Maybe, maybe not-”

“Zoe, I swear to fucking god-” Connor took another pillow near him and tried to throw it at Zoe, who dodged it gracefully. “Fine, I just want my earphones back.” she admitted, while putting on a smirk.

Connor groaned once more, and stood up. He took a moment to let the dizziness go away, before going towards his bookshelf. He was happy when he found it, he thought he lost it. “Good thing I don’t have to buy you another one.” he said as he tossed the earphones to Zoe. “Good thing you actually try to remember stuff now.” she commented. “Thanks.” she said. “And have fun chatting with your little boyfriend-”

“I’m not listening to your shit, Zo.” Connor flopped onto his bed, and waited for her to leave. “You will eventually, just you wait.” she teased. “Also I did take a picture of you.” she quickly added, and left the room.

Connor rolled his eyes, and checked the message that Evan sent. He sent another one, just a few seconds ago too.

_**Ev :** Thanks for today  
 **Ev :** Also can I ask you something_

_**You :** no probz  
 **You :** sure whats up_

_**Ev :** Were with Zoe just a moment ago?_

_**You :** yea  
 **You :** I mean we live together so yeah  
 **You :** why ru asking_

_**Ev :** Oh nothing_

Connor chuckled. That’s such a lie.

_**You :** bullshit_

_**Ev :** You wouldn’t know that_

_**You :** Evan youre bad at lyin u know that right_

_**Ev :** Maybe?_

Connor decided to change the topic, because this was starting to get awkward and he did not want to go there.

_**You :** can I call u?_

Evan didn’t respond for nearly a minute.

_**Ev :** Why would you do that?_

_**You :** cuz why not_

Evan doesn’t respond for nearly 2 minutes.

_**You :** Evan are you alright?_

Connor doesn’t usually use ‘proper grammar’, he doesn’t care that much for it. But when he feels like the situation is serious, he won’t fucking hesitate.

_**You :** Evan you don’t have to, I’m just asking  
 **You :** Shit I’m sorry_

Fortunately, Evan responds.

_**Ev :** Sorry, I just really don’t like phone calls_

_**You :** Yeah I can fuckin see that  
 **You :** fml sorry_

_**Ev :** Its okay  
 **Ev :** Sorry for worrying you_

_**You :** stop apologizing  
 **You :** oky wtf am I doing this is stupid  
 **You :** anyway wt ru doin_

_**Ev :** Nothing much  
 **Ev :** Just watching stuff  
 **You :** define ‘stuff’_

_**Ev :** Okay, but don’t laugh or something_

_**You :** cross my heart_

_**Ev :** Its a documentary  
 **Ev :** About trees_

If anything, Connor finds that cute.

_**You :** yea that sounds like you  
 **You :** actually makes sense wtf_

_**Ev :** How?_

Connor remembers about earlier today. When they were driving down the road, and Evan looked so interested in the trees and landscape.

_**You :** u really liked the trees that we drove by tday  
 **You :** kinda figured_

_**Ev :** To be fair, the scenery was really beautiful_

_**You :** cant argue w u on that one_

Connor stops to think for a moment. If Evan liked trees, then maybe...

_**You :** hey r u free tmrw?_

_**Ev :** Yeah, why?_

_**You :** I wanna take u somewhere_

Now that he’s actually typed that out, it seems weird. Connor just has this sudden urge to do things with someone, he doesn’t know why.

_**You :** I’m p sure youre gonna lke it_

Connor felt anxious while waiting for Evan’s answer. God, what was he thinking? Evan would think he’s stupid, or creepy. This was a horrible decision, he was horrible. Maybe Evan didn’t want to be his friend anymore because why would he-

_**Ev :** Okay, I’m fine with it_

Well, okay then.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have an English exam tomorrow so this still counts as revision I swear
> 
> \- Typing style? Don't know her  
> \- This was such a pain to do cause I had to fuckin style everYTHING  
> \- You bet your ass they're gonna go to the orchard  
> \- But that's for next week or something cause its exam week here so fkin help me  
> \- Its like 5 am now so sorry if there's any errors
> 
> Have a nice day!


	6. Quoting Songs By Our Favorite Musicals

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'All we see is sky for forever,  
> We let the world pass by for forever.  
> Feels like we could go on for forever this way.'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning :  
> Evan gets a panic attack. (Skip 'Anything but that' to 'Once they were in the car', and you'll be fine. You're not missing anything important ^_^)
> 
> ~~~
> 
> I can't write a very detailed panic attack so I'm really sorry. I hope the rest of the story is good though-
> 
> Enjoy!

_**Connor :** I wanna take u somewhere  
 **Connor :** I’m p sure youre gonna lke it_

_**You :** Okay, I’m fine with it_

Jared snickered as he looked at the texts.

Evan left the room after he felt the urge to vomit again, apparently he already did before he went home, but today was just not his day. He also specifically said ‘don’t do anything stupid’ before he left the room.

But to Jared, everything he does is not stupid.

“Jared?” Evan came back from the bathroom a few minutes later. Just enough for Jared to chat with a certain someone. “Did someone text me?” Evan said as he wiped his mouth. “By someone, you mean Connor?” Jared teased, holding up his phone. “What did you do?!” Evan stammered and swiped his phone from Jared’s hands.

“You’re going on a date, flower boy.” Jared slowly clapped his hands. “Tomorrow.” he added. “W-what?!” Evan scrolled up and read the conversation. He knew he shouldn’t have left his phone with Jared, no matter what.

“What do you mean ‘what’?” Jared asked. “Are you just gonna say that _I_ agreed to it? And then cancel his plan?” he raised an eyebrow. “Y-yes?” Evan said slowly. Jared tsked at Evan’s response. “Evan.” he looked at the boy in front of him. “You know you can’t do that.”

“W-why not?” Evan said. Jared gave him a look, which made Evan admit defeat. “Y-you’re right... I’m too anxious to say that.” Evan felt disappointed in himself. He sat back on his bed, and sighed. “I hate texting.” he mumbled. “Specifically you texting for me, without my consent.” he added. “C’mon, Ev.” Jared huffed.

“What’s the worst that could happen?”

 

Now that he thinks about it, Connor’s a little nervous. Is that the right word? Maybe, maybe not. Dang it, Zoe’s gotten into him now...

“Connor, focus.” he said to himself. He parked in front of Evan’s house, and waited for the boy. The first time Connor was here, so was Jared. Kleinman looked a little pissed at first, but then it slowly turned into some form of teasing.

Is Connor supposed to be concerned? We may never know.

Fortunately, Evan was alone on this Saturday noon. Connor drummed his finger on the steering wheel, and shut his eyes. Evan was in the car soon after. “S-so.” he said. “Where are you taking m-me, exactly?” he asked.

“It’s a surprise.” Connor lifted his finger. “Also, no greeting?” he opened his eyes to look at Evan, who was lightly blushing. “S-sorry.” he mumbled. “Hi, Connor.” he gave a nervous smile. “Hello, Hansen.” Connor replied with a little smile.

“You up for some ice-cream?” he asked. “S-sure.” he answered. “Same place?” he added. “Yup,” Connor started stepping on the gas. “Plus something more.” he said. Evan nodded, and looked out the car window.

 

In no time, they were at À La Mode again. Connor pulled at a little bit further away this time, but Evan didn’t mind. “You want the same thing again?” Connor asked, turning the engine off. “Sure thing.” Evan replied, and unbuckled his seat belt.

It has just occurred to Connor that he remembers Evan’s ice-cream. Its nothing that special, but Connor’s a forgetful person. There’s definitely something wrong with him today. “Here.” he gave Evan his ice-cream. Connor started eating his, a strawberry scoop in a cone.

“Thank you.” Evan said, and picked up the spoon. They ate in silence, and watched everything go by them one at a time. “Can I ask you something?” Connor said once he was finished. “Anything, s-sure.” Evan answered.

“How’d you break your arm?”

_Anything but that._

Evan’s face paled, does he want to tell Connor the truth? “W-well...” his hands started sweating. “I-I fell o-out of t-tree.” he said. He waited for Connor to say something, or anything, the silence is killing him.

“That’s just about the saddest fucking thing I’ve ever heard.” Connor said eventually. Of course, because Evan is sad and pathetic and he should be dead- “Sorry...” Connor mumbled. Evan tried to calm himself down, but no-

“Evan?” Connor looked worried. God, stop being stupid Evan. You’re worrying Connor over something stupid like you- “Evan, calm down.” Connor took his empty cup and set it aside. “Evan, look at me.” he said.

Evan tried to, but he wasn’t moving. “Evan, just breath. Okay?” Connor grabbed him by the shoulders, and looked at him. Evan felt warm tears coming down his face. “Follow me, okay?” he added. Evan started to follow Connor and just really tried to focus-

“Look, I’m sorry.” Connor said when Evan could handle his own breathing. “I wouldn’t have said that if it would hurt you, I swear.” he added. Evan shook his head, he didn’t know why. “Okay, okay- do you wanna get away from here?” Connor asked. Evan nodded this time. Connor took his hand, and held it tightly. “Come on.” he said. He picked Evan’s cup and threw it into a garbage bag nearby.

Evan tried to walk, but even that seemed impossible. “No rush.” Connor looked back at him. “We still have a long day, don’t worry.” he said. Evan nodded, and followed Connor to his car.

Once they were in the car, Evan’s panic attack had died down. Connor made sure he was okay before he started driving.

“Thank you.” Evan said sincerely. Connor raised an eyebrow. “For what?” he asked. “For... E-everything, I guess?” Evan gave a little smile. “If you w-weren’t t-there I probably w-would’ve started c-crying.” he added. “You already did though.” Connor said softly.

“Y-yeah, but I always d-do.” Evan sank into his seat. Connor looked at him for a short while, and gave a little smile. “Well, so do I.” he said, and focused on the road. Evan really wanted to ask, but he didn’t want Connor to start breaking down or anything-

“You can ask, its fine.” Connor said. Evan grabbed he hem of his shirt. “W-why?” he mumbled. “I-I mean, why do you cry.” he said. “Sorry, that was a stupid way of a-asking.”

“No, its very straightforward.” Connor chuckled. “Well, stupid things I guess. My parents, school, myself.” he said. “T-that’s not stupid.” Evan said. “Maybe, maybe not.” Connor sighed. “Still nobody else came to help me, so its fine.”

Evan felt a little self-aware by that, what was he supposed to say? “Its not your fault, don’t worry.” Connor quickly said. “W-well, I’m here now. So, i-its kind of okay?” Evan tried to give a smile.

“And I hope you stay here.”

Evan had to blush at that. And that earned a suspicious look from Connor. “S-sorry.” Evan quickly glanced at him. “Okay-” Connor held his hand up. “One rule in this car, is to never apologize.” he said.

“W-what? Why?” Evan stuttered. “Its so easy for you to say sorry.” Connor explained. “Its kind of impossible for me.” he said as he puts down his hand. “But you s-said sorry to me n-not long ago.” Evan protested. “Yeah, but that’s you.”

“A-and what about m-me?” Evan asked. “I don’t know. I guess you were like someone new to me?” Connor asked himself. “Besides you’ve influenced me or something so why not.” he added.

 

They kept making small talk as Connor drove down the country road. They stopped in front of a broken down gate surrounded by fences. “Where are we?” Evan asked. “An abandoned apple orchard.” Connor replied, as if this was normal. “W-we’re not breaking and e-entering, are we?”

“Only if you get caught.” Connor smirked, and went over to the gate. “It may seem a little bit bad at the front, but once you go a little bit further-” Connor kicked the gate. “Its gonna be worth the long drive.”

Evan just nodded, and followed Connor. They walked past a lot of trees, to be specific, apple trees. “Its really pretty.” Evan said under his breath. Connor smiled cheekily. “Its pretty now, but just you wait.”

 

Connor was right.

This is so fucking beautiful.

Evan admired the open field, framed with trees and illuminated by the evening sun. Connor sat down next to Evan, and watched everything go by. A few minutes later, Evan sat down with him too.

“I would live here if I was given the chance.” Connor said. “I mean, who would pass up on a place like this?” he added, and gestured to the view in front of them. “Its too good.” he sighed.

Evan smiled. “Its really peaceful here too...” he said. “No one to judge you, laugh at you, no attention from anyone. Its just the trees here.” he continued off. “S-sorry, I was rambling a-again.”

“No, its fine.” Connor laid down on the grass. “The thing about no one judging you sounds fine too.” he combed his hair back with his fingers. Evan nodded. They sat in a comfortable silence for a while, until a thought came into Evan’s mind.

“What do you wanna do after high school?” he asked, and looked at Connor. “I-” Connor was stuck. “I’m not entirely sure, actually.” he chuckled. “I didn’t plan to live this long...” he said softly.

“I was thinking that I would wait one year first before going to college.” Evan said. “Maybe we could g-go somewhere together?” he asked. Connor shrugged. “Any places in mind?”

“The Appalachian Trail, maybe?” Evan replied. “We could g-go biking, or s-something.” he suggested. “That would be nice, if I still have my bike that is.” Connor said. “Or I could just run, I like running.” he thought to himself.

“Its 2 miles, y-you really wanna do that?” Evan asked. “Running?” Connor stood up in an instant, and pointed at the open field. “We’re racing.” he said. “W-what?!” Evan said as he saw Connor sprinting across the field.

“C’mon, follow me!” he turned back and shouted. Evan suddenly took off running after him, and felt the breeze across his face. Evan giggled and smiled, and suddenly he lost sight of Connor. He stopped at the middle of the field, and looked around.

“Connor?” he called out. “Where are you?” Evan shouted as he walked forward. The stopped in front of a tree, and looked back. “Connor?” he said one last time. He heard a noise from above, and suddenly he saw Connor up on the tree.

“I didn’t know you could climb trees.” Evan said, looking at him. “One of my many hidden talents.” Connor shrugged, and dangled upside down on one of the branches. Their faces almost touched, and Evan tried not to blush.

_This isn’t some upside down Spiderman kiss scene, Evan- stop thinking._

“Evan, your face is red.” Connor pointed out. “O-oh, sorry.” Evan hid his face behind his hands. Connor climbed down the tree, and stood in front of Evan. “You’re not sick or anything, are you?” he asked, putting his hands in his pockets.

“No, I’m fine.” Evan put his hands down, and gave him an assuring smile. “If you say so.” Connor shrugged. He looked around for a while, and sighed. “You know there’s no where else I’d rather be.” he said softly. “Its so peaceful here.”

“Me too.” Evan absentmindedly said. Connor didn’t seem to notice, because he seemed to be zoning out. Evan sat down, and picked up a withered flower nearby. Connor sat down soon after, and looked at the flower in Evan’s hand.

“I noticed that you haven’t been throwing up as much.” Connor said. Evan turned the flower around, and bit his lips. “I guess?” he said. It was true though, his disease has been happening and hurting less often, not that he’s complaining.

“Zoe’s starting to throw up as well...” Connor tried to bite out a laugh, but he seemed rather sad instead. “Its not a pretty sight.” he added. “Do you k-know who she likes?” Evan asks, trying to make conversation.

“Not really.” Connor replied. “Not that I should care, she wouldn’t want me to know anyway.” Connor said. “W-why’s that?” Evan asked. Connor fell silent for a moment.

“She hates me...”

Evan could see Connor shiver a little. “She always has.” he added. “I know its because of that goddamn printer incident from 7 grade.” he said bitterly. “She’s been afraid of me since then.”

“You don’t know that.” Evan said. “Of course I do.” Connor shot back instantly. “I threatened to kill her a few months ago.” he slammed his fist on the grass. “I knew I’d never see that fucking smile ever again.”

“Smile?” Evan asked. Connor chuckled. “She always smiled back then, it looked so fucking cute and precious.” he said. “Then when I danced, she’d put on this amazed look on her face even when she’s seen it a thousand times.”

“You used to dance?” Evan smiled. Connor nodded. “I took dance lessons for a year or two.” he said. “Just for her.” he mumbled under his breath. “Until now she still dances like no one’s watching her.” he smiled. “I’m surprised that she’s not in a talent show or something.”

Evan let out a little laugh. Its interesting to hear what Connor thinks about Zoe, even if its true that Zoe hates Connor. “I always try not to snap at her.” Connor said. “She used to throw up a lot last year, so I guess you could call it pity or something?” he brought his knees to his chest, and rested his head. “She’s got all those flowers to worry about, I didn’t want to make thing worst for her.”

Evan took that into consideration. Whenever he saw Connor and Zoe together, they seemed just fine. They seemed like normal siblings. Not that he would know, he’s an only child, after all. “She left those weird teen magazines in the living room once, and I tried not to read them.” Connor smiled. “She prefers pancakes over waffles.” Connor shook his head.

“I just wish I could tell her something, anything nice.” he said. “But we’re a million worlds apart.” he buried his face in his arms. Evan felt sad when he looked at Connor curled up into a ball. “I don’t know where I’m even supposed to start.”

Evan stayed quiet for a while, he felt like Connor needed it. He took out his phone and read the time- 1706. His mom wouldn’t be home until 10, more or less maybe. Connor perked up a few moments later, and let out a deep breath. “Sorry.” he said to Evan.

“For what?” he asked. “For rambling.” Connor replied. “That’s my thing.” Evan joked. Connor lightened up, and combed his hair back. “I wish I could fix that hole in our relationship.” he said. “But that’s for another time.” he waved it off. “You wanna do something else?” Evan asked. Connor shook his head.

“Let’s just... stay here for a moment.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *slams hand on table* I'M BACK BITCHES-
> 
> \- uhuhu Jared was a sneaky-sneak  
> \- 'If I Could Tell Her' was something I actually wanted to write for a long time? I mean, its really underrated I think??  
> \- Out of character Connor? Idk man, I would really like it if Connor actually loved his sister-  
> \- I hope you know why I decided to make Murphy siblings a little bit 'softer' now  
> \- I'm not trying to sugar coat them or something, but every sibling relationship has their ups and down (I would know)  
> \- Kinda forgot they had Hanahaki Disease halfway but its fine now hehe  
> \- Sorry for errors, I can't write apparently  
> \- THIS is now the longest chapter to date, 2972 words!
> 
> Have a nice day~


	7. We All Regret 7th Grade

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor meets Evan's mom and whoop whoop there's a surprise.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warnings : None!
> 
> ~~~
> 
> I'd just like to say that I read all the comments, and appreciate all the people who kudos'ed, bookmarked, subscribed and generally read this story. Idk why you guys enjoy my writing, but I like making peeps happy so-
> 
> Enjoy!

When the day was slowly turning dark, Evan and Connor decided to head back home before it got really late. The ride back home was silent, and nothing much happened. Evan enjoyed times like these, he won’t forget these little happy thoughts.

But he felt like he forgot something else though.

Connor was surprised to see Evan’s mother home, and so was Evan. “Evan!” Heidi called. “Mom?” Evan got out of the car, and walked towards her. “I thought y-you were coming home late.”

Heidi only smiled sweetly at Evan, and hugged him. Evan took a moment before hugging back, his mother always gave the best hugs. Heidi pulled back, and looked behind him. “Who’s this?” she asked.

“T-that’s Connor, my friend.” Evan gestured Connor to come closer to them. “Connor, this is my mom.” he introduced them. Heidi raised an eyebrow upon seeing him. “Its nice to meet you, Mrs. Hansen.” Connor said nervously.

Heidi smiled, and put a hand over her chest. “Its nice to meet you too, Connor. And please, call me Heidi.” she said. “Do you want to come inside?” she asked.

“Y-you don’t mind?” Connor said. He and Evan briefly exchanged a look.

“Not at all.” Heidi replied with a sweet smile. She opened the door, and waited for them. Evan shrugged, and went inside. Heidi sneakily leaned next to Connor. “I have a surprise for him, actually.” she whispered. “Could you maybe help me?”

Connor nodded quietly, and listened to her. After he understood her plan, he went inside. He found Evan in the kitchen, drinking a glass of water. Heidi went upstairs, and gave Connor a thumbs up.

Evan turned just as Heidi went out of the room. “Where’s mom?” Evan asked. “She’s upstairs.” Connor answered, and looked around the room. It felt really cozy and welcoming, Connor liked Evan’s home already.

“You can sit, if you want to.” Evan said, and put his glass into the sink. “Thanks.” Connor said, and sat down on the couch.

“Do you want anything?” Evan asked. Connor shook his head, and rested his head. Evan came to sit with him a few minutes later.

Evan was about to say something, but the lights suddenly turned off.

Both Evan and Connor jumped, and tried to find out what was going on. Connor suddenly remembered something, and quickly went upstairs. “W-what’s going on?” Evan said.

“I’ll be right back.” Connor shouted back. He saw Heidi standing near the staircase, holding something that Connor’s couldn’t quite recognize. “Hold this.” Heidi whispered, and handed the item to Connor. She took out her phone so she could have a little light.

She came back a few seconds later, holding something else that Connor couldn’t see. “Could you bring that down for me?” she said. Connor nodded, but he wasn’t sure if Heidi saw that.

Being a night owl had its perks, because Connor could kind of see the things around him. Connor set the item down at where he assumed was the kitchen, and quietly went back upstairs. “Connor?” he heard Evan say. “Yeah, hold up-” Connor said hurriedly.

“Where’d you put it?” Heidi asked when he heard him. “In the kitchen, I think? I couldn’t see.” Connor said. “That’s perfect!” Heidi brought her phone in front of him, and Connor could see her smile. “Could you hold this for me?” she held out her phone.

“Sure.” Connor said, and took it. “Point it here.” Heidi called him over. She took out a lighter, and lit something up. “Turn it off,” she said, putting the lighter back in her pocket. “Follow me.” she said, and carried something. They went downstairs, and Connor could see-

A cake?

The lights went back on just in time, because Connor could see Evan look of extreme surprise. “Happy birthday, honey!” Heidi exclaimed, walking towards him. “W-what?” Evan stammered.

Connor too, was shocked.

“Its your birthday, silly!” Heidi giggled, and set the cake down on the coffee table. “Connor, go get his present.” she said to Connor.

Connor went to the kitchen, and saw a wrapped box. He guessed took it from the counter top, and returned quickly. He saw that Evan had already blown out the candles, and his mother was giving him a kiss on the forehead.

“You’re growing up so fast.” she said, ruffling his hair. Connor’s heart melted a little at the sight.

“Oh!” Heidi looked at Connor, who was holding Evan’s gift. She called Connor over, and told him to sit next to them.

“I have a present for you.” she said to Evan. “Connor?” she motioned for him to give the present.

Connor silently gave the present to Evan. “Thank you.” Evan said. “Open it.” Heidi said.

Evan nodded, and slowly unwrapped the present. His eyes instantly lit up, and he was smiling widely. He immediately hugged his mom and giggled. Connor looked down and saw a large-sized Spiderman ‘Tsum-tsum’ plush.

“He’s so cute!” Evan squealed, and hugged the plush. Connor smiled, Evan looked so cute and happy. “I knew that you would like it.” Heidi smiled, and took the box in case it would fall.

“I love it!” Evan said. “How’d you know?” he asked her, slowly letting go of the plush.

“Mother knows best.” Heidi giggled, and ruffled his hair again. “You wanna eat some cake?” she asked. Evan nodded, and stood up to take some plates.

Connor just sat there, he felt... off. He’s never seen anyone like Evan and his mother before. His mother’s never hugged him like that before, let alone hug him like that.

“Connor?” Heidi called softly. Connor snapped out of his thoughts, then saw Evan and Heidi giving concerned looks. “Are you alright?” she asked.

Connor nodded, and gave them a smile. “Y-yeah, I’m fine. Sorry.” he said. Heidi nodded, but she was still a little worried. She picked up a plate that had a slice of cake on it, and handed it out for Connor.

“Here.” she said. Connor slowly took the plate, and just stared at it. “Connor?” Evan called this time. “S-sorry. Uh, thank you.” Connor said anxiously. “Are you tired?” she asked.

“No, its nothing, really.” Connor reassured them. “Its just that, my mom doesn’t do these kind of things.” he mumbled, and picked up a spoon.

Heidi furrowed her eyebrows. “Your family doesn’t celebrate birthdays?” she asked. Evan sat down next to Connor, holding a plate with cake in his hands. “Kind of, yeah.” Connor replied.

“Why not?” Evan asked carefully. Connor sighed. “Well, they do. But just not my birthday.” he said, and ate a piece of cake. “Since seventh grade.” he added. “I did something stupid, I guess.”

“We all regret seventh grade.” Heidi let out a little chuckle. “Well, let’s celebrate your birthday as well then.” she said. “You don’t mind, right Evan?”

“Not at all.” Evan giggled, and reached for his Spiderman plush. “I don’t mind sharing the attention.” he added. He put the plush next to Connor, and smiled at him.

“Happy birthday?” Evan said. Connor smirked. “Same to you.” he said. Then a thought came into his mind.

“Wait- you didn’t tell me it was your birthday today.” Connor said, setting his cake aside. Evan blushed, and turned to look at his mom.

“Well, I kind of forgot?” he said, clearly embarrassed by what just happened. Heidi just giggled. “He always forgets his birthday.” she sighed. “But that makes it easier to surprise him.” she added.

“When’s your birthday, Connor?” she asked. “January fifth.” he replied. “Its still a long time.” he said. He picked up his plate, and continued eating.

“Just you wait, it’ll come sooner than you think.” Heidi said. They all continued to make conversation, and Connor felt happy.

He wanted it to last for forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprise surprise Evan's birthday in this story is gonna be September 24
> 
> \- Their birthdays are referenced by the broadway actor's birthdays (does that make sense??)  
> \- The start was fking weird so if it sucks yeah I'm sorry  
> \- I've never written this many chapters before so this is new wowie  
> \- I really like that Spiderloaf plush its so cute  
> \- Heidi's a good mom
> 
> Here's a timeline I guess? Year is 2016.  
> > September 1 - Chapter 1  
> > September 3 - Chapter 2 & 3  
> > September 23 - Chapter 4 & 5  
> > September 24 - Chapter 6 & 7
> 
> Have a nice day!


	8. Inside His Head

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wowie Murphy sibling interaction and Connor's thoughts and ooo another surprise

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warnings : None!
> 
> ~~~
> 
> When am I gonna add the angst? We may never know, but for now-
> 
> Enjoy!

Connor went home when it was about 10. He didn’t want to, but he also didn’t want to interrupt the mother and son time that Evan and Heidi rarely had. The ride home was silent, and so was his mind.

When he got home, he found Zoe playing some sort of instrument on the couch. Connor shut the door lightly, but Zoe heard him anyway. “Welcome back from your date.” she said with a smirk.

“Really?” Connor groaned. He flopped down on the couch next to Zoe, and put his hands in his pockets. “Where’s mom and dad?” he asked.

“Out somewhere, not that we should care.” Zoe said. She continued playing with her instrument, also humming a song that Connor hardly recognized.

“What’s that?” Connor asked. “A kalimba.” Zoe replied. “Its like a piano, but for your thumbs.” she added. She proceeded to play a few notes, and repeated them.

She beamed once she was done. “Yes! I finally did it.” she said happily. “Did what?” Connor asked. Zoe didn’t reply, but instead cracked her fingers and picked up her kalimba.

_‘You are my sunshine, my only sunshine._  
You make me happy, when skies are gray.  
You’ll never know dear, how much I love you.  
So please don’t take my sunshine away.’ 

Zoe let out a shaky breath once she was done. “And that only took one day, I’m so proud of myself.” she said. “You’re really good.” Connor said.

Zoe looked surprised at first, but she smiled. “Thanks.” she said. “You wanna try it?” she asked, pointing at her kalimba.

“No thanks.” Connor said. “I’m kinda tired from today.” he added. Zoe raised an eyebrow, and looked at the clock on the wall.

“Wait, its 10 already?” she gasped. Connor nodded, but he wasn’t sure if Zoe saw it. “Well, this day went by faster than I expected.” she said. She put her kalimba on the coffee table, and reached for something under a pillow.

“Is that my laptop?” Connor asked. Zoe looked at him, with the most serious face. “Maybe, maybe not.” she said.

“Zo- oh my god.” Connor sighed. “Give it back.” he demanded. He didn’t feel like moving though, he was too tired.

“No.” Zoe said, and went back to his laptop. “Tell me about your date first.” she teased.

“Zo, cut me some slack will ya?” Connor pulled his hair back so he could see her. Zoe just shook her head, and Connor could see her opening Spotify. “I have Spotify open right now on your laptop.” she said. “Do you want me to blast you?”

“What?”

“Do you want me to put you on blast? Cause I got your history right here-” she started clicking a few things. “at the side bar.” she said, then smacked her tongue. Connor rolled his eyes. “Zo, please just stop-”

“How Will I Know by Sam Smith, Lay Me Down by Sam Smith, Stay With Me by Sam Smith.” Zoe squinted her eyes, and she spoke even louder. “Leave Your Lover by Sam Smith, I’m Not The Only One by Sam Smith, Writings On The Wall by Sam Smith-”

She took in a quick breath before continuing. “Thinking Out Loud by Ed Sheeran? Like I Can by Sam Smith-” she shook her head and looked at Connor with the most confused and concerning face.

“What the _fuck_ happened to you?” she asked. Connor tried to hide the smile that was slowly forming on his lips.

“Are you high?” she snapped her fingers to get his attention. Connor couldn’t help but laugh at his sister’s reaction. “Are you fucking _possessed_?!” she exclaimed. Then they both started laughing.

“Are you even my brother?!” she managed to ask through her giggles. “I-I” Connor tried to settle down. “I had a case of the Mondays!” he explained, he hoped Zoe could understand him.

“What the hell did you even do on Monday?” Zoe shut the laptop off, and gave it to Connor. “I mean, I know his music is great but you listen to really loud shit all the time.” she said. “Plus, those are like... love songs or something-”

Zoe paused, and then the realization kicked into her. “Wait.” she said slowly. “Love songs- are you in love?!” she gasped. Connor groaned, but he can’t hide the light blush on his cheeks.

“What the fuck- you are!” Zoe giggled and clapped her hands together. “Oh, who is it?” Zoe was beaming with so much energy that Connor wish he had.

“Its no one Zoe, you’re thinking too much into this.” Connor tried to cover himself up. “Connor, sweet little brother Connor of mine-”

“I’m older than you!” Connor said. “Its late, Zoe. I can’t think straight right now.” he glared at her.

“Yeah, that’s the thing. You’re not straight.” Zoe said. Connor let out a disappointed sigh, and shook his head.

“Alright, alright. I won’t pressure you.” she said as she lifted her hands up. “Just know that you can’t keep secrets from everyone.” she grabbed her kalimba and stood up. “I’m gonna go to bed early.”

“Mkay.” Connor mumbled. He heard Zoe’s footsteps slowly fading away, and soon the room was filled with silence.

_I am not in love._

Nope, never in a million years. Connor established the fact that he couldn’t feel emotions a few years ago, and he’s devoted to keeping that promise to himself. So what if he was listening to love songs? He didn’t even know that they were love songs until Zoe said so.

He’s not in love, he doesn’t even like anyone. He doesn’t care enough to start liking someone.

_Bing_

His phone vibrated, and Connor decided to see who sent him a text.

_**Ev :** Thanks for staying today  
**Ev :** I’m pretty sure my mom was happy when she heard that I had a friend_

Connor smiled. His mom would be somewhat proud of him too if she knew Evan was his friend.

_**You :** Im sure she was  
**You :** I should ty for hving me_

_**Ev :** Its no problem really  
**Ev :** It felt good to have someone else in the house for once_

_**You :** It felt nice to have a little more peace n quiet in a house for once_

_Too much information, Connor._

_**You :** Happy birthday btw  
**You :** You shouldve told me so I could buy a gift for u_

__**_Ev :_** _I don’t think that’s necessary_  
**_Ev :_** _Just your company is enough for me  
_ **_Ev :_** _I mean the orchard was really a surprise and I loved it_

_**You :** Surprise?_

Connor would’ve done more if he knew that it was Evan’s birthday.

__**_Ev :_** _It certainly was_  
**_Ev :_** _Well I gotta go to bed_  
**_Ev :_** _Thanks again  
_ **_Ev :_** _Goodnight_

_**You :** Gnight_

After a minute of just staring at their texts, Connor finally noticed that his battery was about to die. “Goddamn it.” he said quietly. He turned his phone off and put it on the coffee table.

His laptop was sitting right in front of him, maybe he could watch some videos? He felt sleepy, but he didn’t want to sleep. Not yet, he’s trying to remember what happened today. He doesn’t want to forget this.

Evan Hansen, who has a loving mother, a nice and cozy home, and he’s just good in general. Always says sorry, even if he doesn’t need to. But that just means that he’s always unsure about what he says. Connor finds it adorable.

Connor doesn’t deserve someone like him.

Connor sat up straight, and let out a deep sigh. Senior year has been going good for him so far. He’s going to school, but he’s still trying to actually go to the classes. He thinks that he and Zoe are getting better and better, but he doesn’t want to jinx it. He actually has a friend now.

Someone who understands him, someone who wants to be friends with him without getting any benefits. Someone who likes him even if he’s a little shit all the time. He could get used to this. He could get used to being with Evan Hansen.

_That’s when the first petal left his mouth._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Kalimba sounds like a music box and I love it
> 
> \- Zoe Puts Connor on Blast  
> \- I legit tried to read this story from the start but NO I CRINGEEEE AT MY OWN WRITING  
> \- Sam Smith's songs are really good though  
> \- I WON'T SAY I'M IN LOVE~  
> \- Well that's one way to say that Connor maybe has a crush on Evan  
> \- If I brought the kalimba back to the story, will I do the same for the kazoo? We may never know...  
> \- Also wtf is my update schedule I'm seriously questioning myself this??
> 
> Have a nice day!


	9. Hold On

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some mother and son time, a little bit of angst, Heidi is a good mom that's trying her best, and a letter from Evan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warnings : None? I'm a little unsure myself idk what triggers people easily ;-;
> 
> ~~~
> 
> Also WOAH- HOLD ON THERE!! When did this story hit 2k+ hits?? I'm flattered, really I am :D This already passed my Y!!!OI story and just wow... anyways-
> 
> Enjoy!

“Evan, sweetie, could you get those plates here please?” Heidi said, scrubbing the dishes. “Sure, mom.” Evan said, and put his phone down. He picked the plates up and went into the kitchen.

“You can go to sleep, if you’re tired.” she said, looking at her son. “Its fine, I wouldn’t want you to work at home too.” Evan said, giving her the dirty plates.

“Well, that’s very kind of you sweetie.” Heidi smiled. She continued washing the plates, meanwhile Evan put the leftover cake in the fridge.

“You really didn’t have to do all of this.” Evan said. His mother giggled, and shook her head.

“Its your sweet seventeen, Evan.” she said. “Its pretty special, actually.” she added. She turned the water off, and dried her hands.

“I’m not special.” Evan mumbled. He closed the fridge, and turned to see his mother giving a disbelieving looking. She walked towards him, and cupped his cheeks.

“Evan...” she said slowly. “You are the best thing that’s ever happened to me, alright?” she said with a motherly voice. Evan smiled, and he felt like crying.

Heidi gave him a kiss on the forehead, and gave him the sweetest smile. “Don’t twist those words and think otherwise, okay?” she said. “I mean every word I say.”

Evan nodded weakly. “Okay.” he said. Heidi booped his nose, and gave herself a little stretch.

“Boy, its been a long day.” she said. “I’m sure you had one too with your friend.” she sat down on a chair, and motioned for Evan to sit with her.

“I g-guess?” Evan said, and sat down next to his mother. “I mean, he took me to this orchard. It was really beautiful.” he added.

“Connor, huh?” Heidi raised an eyebrow. “Do you like him or something?” she tried to ask casually. Evan blushed a little, and shook his head.

“H-he’s just a friend.” he said, but his heart wanted to state otherwise.

“He’s pretty troubled, from what I’ve heard from him.” Heidi said, and rested her head on her hands. “What kind of parents don’t celebrate their child’s birthday?”

“I’m s-sure they have r-reasons.” Evan said. Heidi tapped her fingers on the table, and looked at his cast. “He signed your cast?” she asked.

Evan nodded. “Y-yeah.” he said. “Yesterday, after school, I th-think.”

“That’s very nice of him.” Heidi said, never looking away from him. “He’s nice.” Evan said. “Even though people say otherwise.” he’s not looking at his mother, he doesn’t know why.

“Really?” Heidi looked surprised. “Well, he did look like your average bad boy when I saw him.” she giggled. “I didn’t know you liked those kinds of people.”

“I d-didn’t either.” Evan gave out a weak laugh. “He just s-started talking to me, a-and I guess we somehow became friends?”

“Well, its been a while since we had someone new in the house.” Heidi sighed. “Except for Jared, of course.” she said, and her eyes went to the table.

They sat in silence for a while, and it felt nice to just spend some time together. This was supposed to be something normal, but it was rare in the Hansen household. Ever since his mother started working a lot, Evan felt more and more distant from her. He felt more tired, more little, more alone...

“If there’s anything wrong...” Heidi suddenly said. “I’m just a phone call away.” she slowly looked up at Evan. Evan knew she was tired, she looked a lot like it.

“I know I’m not here all the time, but I’ll try.” she straightened her back, and gave a determined smile. “I’ll try to be there for you, as best as I can.” she sounded persistent, Evan could never be like that.

“Just promise me you’ll always hold on?”

Evan tried very hard not to break.

But of course, he gave in.

Warm tears started streaming down his face, and they wouldn’t stop. Heidi immediately stood up and hugged Evan. She caressed his hair, and quietly shushed him. Evan hasn’t been held like this in a long time.

“Its alright, its alright. I’m right here. You don’t have to be scared, just let it all out.” she said softly. She rocked him in a steady rhythm, just like she did on that February day all those years ago. Except this time, Evan was the one crying, and he’s sure that his mother was confused. But she just listened, like little Evan did back then.

_“You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy, when skies are gray. You’ll never know dear, how much I love you. So please don’t take my sunshine away.”_

That song never fails to make him just a little bit better, especially when its his mother singing it.

 

_‘Dear Evan Hansen,_

_Happy birthday! You weren’t supposed to remember it, but your mom did. I’m glad she did though, she gave me the greatest present ever..._

_Connor didn’t know actually, because why would he? Well he’s your friend now, so he should probably know. Who knows what happened to Jared. Okay wait, none of that now- Today was a great day! Connor took you to one of the most beautiful places you’ve ever been to, I really want to go there again._

_I’m probably reading too much into this, but I’ve been throwing up less and less lately. I just threw up half an hour ago, but not as much as before so... That’s a little bit concerning. Maybe its all filling up so it can consume me and kill me one day._

_I sure hope that I didn’t jinx myself._

_Sincerely, Me.’_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If anyone could tell me when do exams/finals start and end in American high schools that'd be grand
> 
> \- Don't worry he won't die, the tag 'Nobody Dies' is there and I ain't gonna change it  
> \- Also what does 'Sa' mean, you guys keep saying it in the comments and Google Translate doesn't make any sense??  
> \- I FEEL LIKE THIS IS GOING NO WHERE WAIIIADNASDAIN  
> \- Gomen'nasai for the angst (its only gonna get better though-)  
> \- Have you guys heard 'Found Tonight' yet? Boy that song was so good that I had to draw fanart for it and post it on tumblr (Amarie-chan)  
> \- Shameless promo aside, I really love that song. A great song for a great cause :)  
> \- Also shoutout to the peeps who got that MBMB&M reference  
> \- I'll post another chapter tomorrow, then I'll probably go on hiatus? Let's just wait and see~
> 
> Have a nice day!


	10. Not Your Typical Friday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Murphy family interaction, secrets told, Connor stays over at Evan's, basically some fluff and angst.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warnings : Anxiety attack (starts at 'Connor felt a little bit hurt by that' and stops at 'Evan shook his head')
> 
> ~~~
> 
> Remember to drink water because I didn't and I was sick for a day so sorry for the late upload, I'm fine now though so-
> 
> Enjoy!

“It's your senior year, Connor. You can’t keep skipping school.” Cynthia said, putting their dishes in the sink. “I already said, its just for one day.” Connor tried to convince her.

“He doesn't listen. Look at him, he's probably high.” Larry decided to say. Perfect, just what Connor needed for this fucking morning. Zoe stayed silent, or didn’t listen. He couldn’t tell since she was on her phone. He rolled his eyes at them, and buried his face in his arms. 

“Mom, is there any more milk?” Zoe asked out loud. Connor unconsciously slid his own bottle of milk across the table to Zoe, and gave her a tired look. Zoe froze for a second before picking up the bottle. She took a short sip and slid the bottle back to her brother.

She stood up and grabbed her bag with her free hand. “If Connor's not ready, I’m not leaving without him.” she called out and headed for the door. All three of them were shocked, but then shrugged it off.

“Don’t keep your sister waiting, Connor.” Larry chimed in. Connor let out a sigh, and slowly stood up. He picked up his bag on the couch and went out the door. Zoe was just getting starting up the car.

“C’mon we’re gonna be late.” she said to him. Connor nodded and walked towards the car. He sat in the passenger seat, and closed his eyes once he shut the door.

“Put on your seat belt.” Zoe said. “You’re not the boss of me.” Connor said flatly. Zoe smacked her tongue, and sighed. She stepped on the gas rather forcefully and stopped, just enough to sent Connor forward a little bit.

“Zoe what the fuck-” Connor exclaimed. Zoe giggled, and Connor defeatedly put his seat belt on. “Just fuckin’ drive before I jump out of this car myself.” he sighed.

 

Of all the people Connor wanted to see today, Evan Hansen was one of them. Connor didn’t see Evan for the whole day, no messages or calls or anything. Connor could ask Kleinman about it, but he doesn’t want to.

Instead, he went over to Evan’s house after school. It took him a lot not to skip classes, but Evan would probably start to worry if Connor skipped. Its not good to make Evan worried.

“Where are you going?” Zoe asked when he passed her at the parking lot. “None of your business.” Connor replied. Zoe rolled her eyes, but nodded anyway. 

Fortunately, Evan’s house was just a few blocks away, and Connor was a pretty good runner. He arrived there in just 20 minutes. He stopped to take a few short breaths first before knocking.

Connor beamed up when the door swung open. “Connor?” Evan said. “Hey.” Connor said back.

“Did you run here s-straight after school?” Evan asked, tilting his head to one side. Connor let out a nervous laugh. “Maybe, maybe not?”

Evan lit up a smile, and stepped back. “Well, come in. I g-guess.” he said. Connor took off his shoes before going inside. “Thanks.” he mumbled.

“S-so why did you c-come here?” Evan asked. Connor shut the door, and pushed his hair back. “I just wanted to check up on you.” Connor answered. “I mean, you didn’t show up at school.” he added.

Evan remembered, and gave an awkward smile. “I had a-an appointment t-today so...” he explained. Connor raised an eyebrow. “For the whole day?” he said.

“My d-doctor was only f-free during the morning,” he grabbed the hem of his shirt nervously. “A-and I didn’t want to go back to s-school after lunch or something. S-so I went straight home after the a-appointment...” he finished. Evan wasn’t looking at Connor.

They fell silent, and Connor didn’t know what to say. Evan started shaking, and tears were slowly forming in his eyes. Connor took a step forward and reached out for him, but Evan immediately pulled back.

_Connor felt a little bit hurt by that._

“Evan?” he said softly. Evan looked absolutely sorry and guilty, Connor didn’t know what to do. “Evan, its alright-” Connor tried to comfort him. Evan started breathing heavily, and he was down on his knees.

Connor risked it, and grabbed Evan by the shoulders. “Evan, just breath.” Connor instructed. “Its fine, okay? Just count to 100.” he sounded very worried. Evan counted the numbers in his mind, and Connor gently stroked his hair.

“I-I c-can’t I-I-I hate this so much I hate myself for being s-so pathetic a-and weak-”

“You’re not, its fine. You’re okay, its gets hard sometimes. Its okay to just lay down once in a while... Keep counting.”

Evan seemed stressed and focused, but Connor didn’t want to say anything. He knows how sensitive words can be to Evan. Especially when its from his mouth, he doesn’t want to hurt Evan the same way he hurt Zoe.

He’s already ruined everything with Zoe, he doesn’t want to repeat it again with anyone else.

Evan stopped shaking a few minutes later, and his breathing was steady. Connor slowly let go, and looked at him. “Are you okay?” he asked carefully. Evan quietly nodded, and wiped away his tears.

“Sorry...” Evan mumbled. Connor sighed, and shook his head. “Don’t apologize.” he said with a sad smile. If Evan’s had episodes like these before, he wondered how he dealt with them alone.

“You wanna talk about it?” Connor asked. Evan clearly wanted to, but he didn’t know how. Connor looked down at the floor, and fiddled with his fingers.

“Look, I know I don’t seem like the person to handle this kind of stuff. But...” he left his words hanging, and it grabbed Evan’s attention. Connor took in a deep breath, and slowly lifted up his sleeve.

Connor could see Evan freeze at the corner of his eye.

Connor looked the other way, he couldn’t look at Evan. He’s basically breaking down all of his walls right here and right now. The only people that have seen his cuts is his family.

“Please don’t tell anyone...” Connor said weakly. He pulled his sleeve back down, and crossed his arms. He couldn’t hear Evan, he couldn’t see him. This was a horrible idea. Now Evan’s gonna think that he’s a freak and a monster and a idiot for doing that and he’s gonna tell everyone-

“I won’t.” Evan said sincerely. Connor nodded weakly. The silence was killing him, they didn’t know what to do.

“I...” Evan’s voice was dry. “I fell out of a tree, and broke my arm...” he said quietly, but clear enough for Connor to understand. “You fell?” Connor asked, but he seemed unconvinced.

“During summer, May or June- I’m not sure...” Evan said. Connor slowly turned to look at him, then he furrowed his eyebrows. “How did that happen?” he asked, he sounded concerned.

Evan nodded. “I lost my grip and then just- I fell so...” he trailed off. Evan was on the verge of tears again. It was months ago, but only seemed like yesterday when he was lying on the ground. Just waiting for someone, anyone.

Connor seemed scared, his expressions were unreadable. “Evan...” Connor said. He looked at Evan with the saddest face that he’s ever seen.

“Did you fall, or did you let go...?”

Connor immediately looked the other way, and shook his head. “Fuck- I’m sorry. That was crossing a line I just- fuck-” he panicked. Evan looked completely shocked.

“No, no wait-” Evan said quickly. He grabbed Connor by the shoulder and he froze. “Dammit...” he said under his breath. He let go, and took scanned Connor.

“I... How did you know?” Evan asked. Connor lifted his knees to his chest, and sort of hid himself. “I don’t know...” Connor sounded guilty.

“I mean, we on the topic of like self harm I guess. And you just said that you fell and you looked like you were gonna cry again, so I kinda thought-” Connor blinked a few times, then he shrugged. “I’m so fucking sorry.” he added.

Evan shook his head. “No... Its f-fine.” he said weakly. He was just so tired, he needed to lie down. “You’re the only one who knows this.” Evan admitted. Connor looked surprise.

He pushed his hair back, and laid down on the carpet floor. “Thanks, I guess?” Connor said. “For what?” Evan asked.

“For not running away? I don’t know.” Connor felt small, and he seemed unsure. “I thought you would’ve ran away or something if I ever told you.” he added.

Evan smiled tiredly. “I told you, you can tell me anything. I won’t judge.” he assured him. Connor smiled back. “You were stuttering, so I didn’t know if you were lying or not.” he joked.

Evan blushed, and let out a breath that he didn’t know he was holding. He looked over at Connor. “You know there’s a couch you can lie down on, right?” Evan said.

“I know.” Connor said. “But I like lying down on the floor.” he stated.

“Why?” Evan asked with a little chuckle. “I don’t know, it just feels nice.” Connor replied.

“Can I stay overnight here?” Connor asked quietly. Evan raised an eyebrow. “Why would you want to stay here?” Evan asked back.

“Your home is nice and quiet and your mom is really nice so don’t judge me okay.” Connor said in one breath. “Can’t argue with that.” Evan said.

“What about your family?” he asked. Connor smacked his lips, and fished his phone out of his pocket. “I’ll just text Zoe or something.” he said.

“I mean, I don’t want to. But I also don’t want the fucking police in front of my house when I get back.” he explained. “True, true.” Evan agreed.

“Y’know I didn’t think about what to do when I got here.” Connor said, like he just realized that. “This is not my typical Friday night schedule.” He joked.

“Its not n-night time though.” Evan said. Connor sat up, and looked at him. “Whatever, I’m hungry.”

Evan stood up, and headed towards the kitchen. Connor followed a few seconds later. “Can you cook or do I have to order a pizza?” Connor asked, leaning against the doorway.

Evan opened the fridge to look for something. Evan let out a sigh and closed the fridge soon after. “I think you should.” Evan said. “P-pizza, I mean.”

Connor looked into his pockets, and smirked when he found a twenty dollar bill. “Do you have any favorites?” Connor asked, holding his phone out. Evan shook his head.

“I’ll have whatever you’re having.” Evan answered. He picked up a cup and filled it with water. Connor shrugged, and dialed a number. “Hello?” he spoke into the phone. He went into the other room to continue the call.

Evan drank the water slowly, his throat was dry. He shook his head a few times. “Much better...” he said to himself. He left the cup in the sink, and looked for Connor.

“Yup, that’s all.” Connor was looking outside the window. “Alright, thanks.” he ended the call, and turned around.

“You want anything to drink?” Evan asked. Connor waved a hand. “Not yet.” he answered. He sat down on the couch, and grabbed the TV remote.

“What’s your favorite channel?” Connor asked. Evan blushed, would Connor think he was weird? “T-tree documentaries.” he said.

Connor didn’t show any emotion, instead he turned the TV on and switched to Netflix. He switched to a movie called ‘If A Tree Falls’. “This okay?” Connor asked. “Y-yeah.”

Evan sat down beside Connor, and they watched the movie together. Evan could see that the sun was slowly setting, and his mom would be home soon. Well, that is if she doesn’t work another night shift.

“When’s your mom gonna come home?” Connor asked, focusing his eyes on the TV. Evan thought for a moment. “I-I’m not sure, a-actually.” Evan admitted.

“I m-mean, she tries to come h-home early, but you know...” he added. He sank deeper into the couch. Why did he tell Connor that?

“That’s a bummer.” Connor said. “ Then what do you do when she’s not at home?” he asked.

“Mostly homework, or watching TV, sometimes Jared comes over too and we play video games...” he listed out the things he did, and sort of trailed off. Connor liked it when Evan was rambling, it was cute, in a way.

“S-sorry, I was rambling again wasn’t I? God, I’m so annoying-” Evan looked so anxious. Connor snapped his fingers, and he instantly got Evan’s attention.

“Its fine, you’re not annoying. If you were I wouldn’t be here right now.” Connor stated. Evan blushed, and he silent nodded.

Connor just realized that Evans blushes a lot, and Connor smiles easily whenever he’s around Evan.

_See, he’s smiling again._

Suddenly, there was a knock on the door. “Imma get it.” Connor said and hopped off the couch. Evan stood up and went to the kitchen.

Connor opened the door, and was surprised to see Jared Kleinman right in front of him.

“What the fuck-” they both said at the same time. “Why are you here?” Jared was the first to ask.

“Same goes to you.” Connor said flatly. “Give me a good reason why you’re here before I shut the door right at your face.” he demanded.

“Dude, chill- I just wanted to give Evan his homework.” Jared said. He held up a folder, and Connor groaned. “I’ll give it to him.” Connor said, reaching out his hand.

“Connor Murphy and homework? I think that’s a disaster waiting to happen.” Jared joked. Connor rolled his eyes, and snatched the folder right out of Jared’s hands.

“Hey-” Jared exclaimed. “Could you not be so jealous? Its just homework for fuck’s sake.” he said in an angry tone. Connor was about to say something in return, but Evan appeared behind him.

“Jared? Connor? W-what’s wrong?” Evan asked. He looked at the folder in Connor’s hand, and tilted his head. “Is that my folder?” he asked. Connor gave the item to Evan, and looked back at Jared.

“Anything else?” Connor clearly didn’t want to talk to Jared anymore, and he was sure that the boy in front of him felt the same way. “Nope.” Jared said. He pushed his glasses back up, and looked at the two.

“I’m not gonna third wheel on your little date, so see ya soon!” he chirped, and walked away. “Its not a date-” Evan tried to say, but Connor was already shutting the door.

“Why are you friends with him?” Connor asked. “He’s a family friend, so...” Evan said. Connor smacked his lips, then he went back to the couch.

“Well he’s lucky to be friends with you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote some treebros fluff and actual plot for this chapter  
>  _'That's progress!'_  
>  Yeah, I also wrote some angst  
>  _'Eh...'_
> 
> \- I reread some facts about our little angry boi Connor Murphy and I hope that I didn't do anything wrong  
> \- I got 7th grade and 2nd grade mixed up FUCK-  
> \- I know, I know. The Murphy siblings are kinda soft now, but I caN'T HELP IT  
> \- I have a tendency to make things really fucking detailed and I think its kinda annoying  
> \- This is unedited so sorry for mistakes ;-;  
> \- I plan to post the next chapter on Good Friday, so let's just hope that school won't be a bitch
> 
> Have a nice day!


	11. Pause

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Turns out Connor and Evan both like comic books, especially ones about Spiderman.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning : None!
> 
> ~~~
> 
> Legit didn't know what to name this chapter
> 
> Sorry this is late?? Its actually Saturday for me right now but anyways-
> 
> Enjoy!

“Well he’s lucky to be friends with you.”

Evan stood there confused. He was about to ask what that meant, but his phone started ringing. “Sorry.” he excused himself, and went to his room.

“Mom?” he said into the phone. He could hear papers being moved in the background.

_“Hey, honey. How are you doing?”_  
“I’m alright. Are you still at work?”  
 _“Yeah, unfortunately. I think I’ll be home by midnight or something.”_  
“That’s fine.”  
 _“I hope you’re keeping yourself occupied.”_  
“Just homework, maybe write a letter or two.”  
 _“That’s great, Evan. Just don’t stress yourself out.”_  
“I won’t, mom.”  
 _“Is Jared not there?”_  
“No, he stopped by to give me my homework though.”  
 _“Do you need me to keep you company? You seemed pretty sick before I left.”_  
“No, y-you don’t have to. I don’t want to interrupt your work...”  
 _“Evan, you’d be saving me from my work in this case.”_

They both giggled. Evan knew how dreadful his mother’s work could be as a nurse.

_“There’s pie in the oven, in case you’re hungry. I made it while you were asleep.”_  
“Really? T-thanks.”  
 _“Its no problem, honey. Gotta go now-”_  
“Alright, bye mom.”  
 _“I love you, sweetie.”_

“I love you too...” he said, and he hung up. Now he felt bad because they already ordered pizza. He turned back and was surprised to see Connor standing at the doorway.

“Were you eavesdropping?” Evan asked. Connor shrugged. “Maybe, maybe not.” he chuckled. He looked around Evan’s room, which was relatively dark.

“You have glow stars on your ceiling?” Connor said with a smile. Evan nodded. “My mom got them for me.”

“So you get to look at the stars every night?” Connor asked. “Kind of, yeah.” Evan replied. “My mom used to sing to me when I was a kid too.” he added.

Connor’s smile fell, and he seemed distracted. There was tension in the air, and Evan felt like he couldn’t breathe.

He also tasted blood, and that’s never good.

“Uh, I gotta go to the bathroom-” Evan excused himself again, leaving his phone on his desk. Did Connor see anything?

 

Connor turned around to see Evan already rushing out the door, and leaving his phone on the desk. He’s a little concerned, to be honest.

He also may or may not have eavesdropped on Evan and his mother’s conversation. Heidi really sounds like a nice mother, one he wished he kind of had. He can’t jinx himself though, last time he did everyone forgot his birthday.

And then they did it for the next 4 years or so.

Connor kept looking around the room. The room was painted with baby blue, green glow stars on the ceiling, pictures hung on one side of the wall, and the other had a window. He decided to look at the pictures first.

Right away, he saw a picture of Evan and his mother. It was a birthday party for Evan, probably 5 or 6. Evan looked absolutely adorable, maybe some things never change.

Connor looked over the rest of the pictures, and noticed a few things. Evan really liked to wear blue shirts, his mother used to have long hair and tied it into a ponytail, and his father was only in one of these pictures.

Now that he thinks about it, he’s never seen another parent in the house. Its not hard to put two and two together. Whatever the reason was that made his father left, Evan would tell him soon enough.

His eyes darted to a box near his desk. He turned the light on his phone and shined it on the box. Connor beamed instantly at what he saw.

“Holy shit- Spiderman comics?” Connor took one out, and looked at the cover. “These were from a decade ago...” he said. He flipped over the pages and read through them. “I’ve never seen these before.” he mumbled under his breath.

He didn’t know for how he was there, but he came back to reality when the lights turned on.

“C-Connor?” Evan said. He had a towel over his mouth, and his face was wet. “W-what are you doing here?” he asked. Connor was unmoving, he didn’t know what to do.

“Reading your comic books?” Connor said in the most casual way ever. Evan dried his face off, and threw the towel into a basket. “You read comic books too?” he asked.

“I read a lot of things, but yeah.” Connor answered. He spent the past few years reading every book he could find in the school library. Connor turned his light off, and put the book back in the box.

“How did you get these?” he asked Evan. “My mom got them for me, she just surprised m-me one day.” the other boy answered. He walked towards the box and took a book out.

“Now that I think about it, I really wanna read these comic books again.” Evan said. He flipped through the pages, and a little smile formed on his lips.

“Well, we could do that.” Connor suggested. “I was actually gonna tell you the pizza was here but you kept running away from me.” he added.

“S-sorry about that.” Evan said nervously. Connor waved it off, and carried the box. “You wanna read here or downstairs?” he asked.

“Downstairs would be nice.” Evan replied, holding the comic book in his hands. He looked at the clock on the wall, it read 6:47.

“Y’know this could keep up occupied for the whole night.” Connor said, heading to the door. “I mean, this is a lot.” he added.

“Well, this was a great series.” Evan stated. “Was?” Connor raised an eyebrow. Evan chuckled.

“Right- this _is_ a great series.” he corrected himself. Connor seemed satisfied, he gave out a smile and continued walking.

Evan switched off the lights and followed Connor downstairs. He could already smell the pizza from the living room. “You wanna put the movie on or switch it to some music?” Connor asked as he set the box on the couch.

“Either is fine.” Evan answered, and sat down. Connor decided to switch to some music, and left a radio station channel on. He flopped on the couch and snatched a comic from the box.

Connor didn’t recognize this one, so he read it. They were both completely silent, the only sound was from the TV and the sound of paper rustling. They weren’t talking, but they enjoyed each others company.

Connor absentmindedly opened the pizza box and took out a slice. He almost forgot that they even had it on the coffee table. Needless to say, he really enjoyed this moment. It was quiet and Evan was with him, this is all that he really needed.

There were times that Evan would giggle while reading, and Connor would smile each time he did. There was something about Evan that Connor really liked, something to keep him addicted to the boy.

Connor was in the middle of reading his second comic book, until he felt the urge to cough. A lot. Right now.

“Connor?” Evan said softly. “Where’s the bathroom?” Connor tried to hide the pain in his voice. “Upstairs, its the room straight ahead.” Evan answered.

“Thanks.” Connor said. He hopped over the couch and quickly went upstairs. He found the bathroom and tried his best to shut the door quietly. He was really enjoying himself that he forgot the disease existed.

“Fuckin’ dammit.” he sighed.

 

Evan felt that Connor was rushing to go upstairs, and he looked like he was in pain. He looked outside the window, and noticed that the sky already turned dark. He searched his pockets for his phone-

Right, his phone is in his room.

Evan sighed, and got up. He pushed his hair back while going to his room, but stopped midway when he passed the bathroom. He heard a voice from the other side.

“I would say its not worth it but he’s too fuckin cute so who the fuck am I kidding.”

It was Connor’s voice, for sure. He’s the only one in there. Evan leaned in closer to the wall.

“Did I just call him cute? Fuck, I did. Doesn’t matter, he’ll never hear me say it.”

Evan can’t help but wonder who Connor was talking about. He realized that he was eavesdropping, or something, so he quickly left the spot.

He went into his room and checked around. He saw his phone on the desk and grabbed it. 10 new messages? That’s worrying.

2 new messages from Zoe.  
8 new messages from Jared.

Evan decided to look at Zoe’s first.

**_Zoe :_ ** _Hey Evan  
 **Zoe :** Is Connor rlly w/ you?_

Looks like Connor and Zoe type in a similar style.

**_You :_ ** _Yeah, he’s here  
 **You :** Didn’t he text you?_

Zoe wasn’t replying immediately, so he decided to see what Jared wanted.

**_Jared :_ ** _Yo ev_  
 **Jared :** Y ru with Connor Murphy  
 **Jared :** I mean iky like him but still  
 **Jared :** Or r u 2 datin rn  
 **Jared :** Ur so dating rn  
 **Jared :** wowwie Evan   
**Jared :** Talk to meh Ev  
 **Jared :** -_- 

_**You :** I’m right here  
 **You :** And no I’m not dating_

Jared seemed to be occupied as well, so Evan went back downstairs. The bathroom door was open, so he assumed that Connor was already downstairs. “Connor?” Evan called as he went down the stairs. And-

_Pause._

Connor Murphy had his hair tied in a messy bun?

_Connor Murphy had his hair tied in a messy bun and Evan likes it?_

Something gay is happening here and Evan doesn’t know if he likes it or not.

_Fuck it, he loves it._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Muehehe
> 
> That's all I have to say
> 
> Also if you got any questions feel free to ask'em in the comments
> 
> Happy Good Friday? And April Fools? Easter? Whatever day it is just
> 
> Have a nice day!


	12. I'd Thought So

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mhmmm tooth-rotting fluff in this chapter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warnings : None!
> 
> ~~~
> 
> I'LL GIVE YOU THE APOLOGY SPEECH AT THE END SO FOR NOW
> 
> ENJOY!

Evan wants to take a picture. He wants to, very badly.

“Hey, do you watch anime?” Connor asked out of the blue. Evan blinked quickly a few times. “W-why’d you ask?” Evan answered.

Connor looked at Evan. “I don’t watch a lot, but Zoe keeps pushing me to watch a movie.” he explained. “You mind if we watch it together?” he asked.

Evan blushed a little. “N-not a-at all.” he answered. Connor smiled, and turned the TV off before standing up. “Can I borrow your laptop?”

 

Connor kind of just wanted an excuse to sit closer to Evan. With his hair out of the way, he can see Evan’s face more clearly now. Although, he was a little worried about tying his hair up. Evan hasn’t said a word about it, and Connor doesn’t know if he should be worried or not.

What he is worried about though is what the hell Zoe has been watching.

Connor regrets not researching about this movie more. Five minutes in, and he can already tell that its another boy-love movie. Not that he’s complaining, he likes boys himself. Especially the one right-

“Wait- I forgot something downstairs.” Evan said, already leaving his spot. “Be right back-” he said, sprinting out the door. “Mhm.” Connor mumbled. To be honest, he kind of likes this movie. They’re at the fountain scene, and Connor can’t help but imagine something like this with him and Evan.

“Connor, stop thinking.” he said to himself. Suddenly, he felt a buzz. He finally took his eyes off the screen, and saw that Zoe had messaged him. Connor took a quick glance at the door, just to see if Evan was around. He picked up the phone, and opened saw their messages.

**_Zoe :_ ** _Yeah, he did. I actually just wanna ask a favor from you._

Connor scoffed. He scrolled up their chat, just cause why not. It all looks pretty normal-

Wait.

Are these pictures of him?

_Sent by Zoe?_

“Connor?” he heard. He raised his head to see Evan standing at the doorway, a worried look on his face. “I-is that my phone?”

“Why do you have pictures of me?” Connor asked slowly. Evan blushed, and avoided Connor’s eyes. “Evan.” Connor called. “Answer me before I make you.”

“W-well, you see...” Evan tried to give an excuse, but he wasn’t good at making those on the spot. Connor stood up, and slowly walked towards Evan. “What’s wrong, Evan?” Connor said.

Evan walked backwards, and stopped when his back met the wall. Connor pinned him against the wall, and gave a smirk. “Cat got your tongue?” he said. He could see that Evan was holding his breath. Truth be told, Connor’s heart is beating pretty fast as well.

Connor looked at Evan’s eyes. He never noticed how beautiful they were until he was this close to him. Connor chuckled, and slowly put a hand on Evan’s cheek. Evan jumped a little at the gesture, but he just leaned in closer.

And he kissed him.

He kissed Evan.

_On the goddamn lips._

Connor pulled back a few seconds later, and saw this flabbergasted look on Evan’s face. He could feel the blush slowly rising. Never mind, his face is deep red right now. “Uh-” he stepped back, and put a hand over his mouth. “Shit, sorry-”

Connor was running. Connor was running fast. He has never ran this fast in his life. He snatched his bag from the couch, and went straight for the door. “Connor!” he could hear Evan call out for him, but he’s too embarrassed to look back. As soon as he got his car started, he was out of there.

 

Evan didn’t have the slightest clue about what just happened, except about the fact that he just had his first kiss. With Connor Murphy, his 10-year-long crush. Not only that, but Connor found out that he’s been keeping pictures of him. How weird can you get?

He decided to video call Jared and vent out to him or something because _this is way too much._

_“I can’t believe you kissed Connor Murphy, at this time of night, and ran away?” Jared laughed._

“Well, I didn’t start the kiss exactly. He just sort of leaned in and he kissed me and then he apologized and sprinted away just like that-” Evan said in one breath.

_“And he hasn’t said anything else?” Jared asked._

“No...” Evan looked away from his computer screen. Was it really a good idea to tell this to Jared?

_“Evan, you okay there buddy?” Jared asked a bit worriedly._

“Don’t I look okay to you?” Evan said. He got a disappointed look from his friend instead.

 _“Evan, I have never seen you this red before and I_ will _call 911 if I have to.” Jared joked, but there was a voice of concern behind those jokes._

“I-I’m fine, r-really.” Evan said. “Don’t call 911, please. I can’t deal with any more social interaction t-today.” he added.

_Jared chuckled. “So, what are you gonna do now?” he asked._

Evan let out a deep sigh, and covered his face with his hands. “I have no fucking idea, Jared.”

_Jared let out a little gasp. “Holy shit, did you just swear?” he asked._

“I don’t know, Jared. Did I?” Evan replied.

_Jared stayed silent for a while, until he heard Evan apologizing._

“Sorry, I didn’t mean that! Its just-” Evan tried to explain, but he got nothing out.

_“Its fine, don’t worry about it.” Jared smiled. “You wanna sleep away the troubles or play video games?” he asked._

Evan thought about it for a moment, and decided that he wouldn’t be able to sleep in this condition. Not right now. “Games.” he answered quickly, and got a shrug from Jared.

 

Connor opened and slammed the door and immediately went to his room.

“Connor, is that you?” he heard his sister ask from the kitchen. “No shit, Sherlock.” he answered. He stormed up the stairs, not giving any shit about what his parents will say in the morning. He went to Zoe’s room, because his room didn’t have a door.

He slid down the door, and stared at the wall. He was dizzy, and his hands were numb. All he could think about was Evan, the goddamn boy who he kissed. Then he ran, and now he’s in his sister’s room sulking or some shit.

“Connor, I swear to God if you’re in my room.” he heard Zoe speaking from the other side. “Connor can’t deal with your shit right now, Zoe.” he replied.

“Neither can Zoe, Connor. But this is her room, so you better get the fuck out of there before she does something you wouldn’t like.” Zoe said back. “The fuck is she gonna do when all her stuff is in her room?” Connor replied.

He felt a little bit victorious when Zoe didn’t say anything back. Instead, he heard Zoe slip a piece of paper from under the door. He took the paper, and read it. _‘Give me one good reason why I should let you to sulk in my room’_

Connor grabbed a pen from his bag, and wrote _‘because I want to’_ on the other side of the paper. He slid it back outside, and waited.

_‘Connor I swear to god if this is about another dude’_

_‘I will let you in but you need to promise me that you won’t say a word until I start speaking’_

_‘Sure why not’_ Zoe wrote. Connor stood up and opened the door. He’s greeted with his sister wearing clothes that are way too big for her own size. He stepped back so his sister could walk in, and Zoe nodded.

Connor closed the door, and sat down on a chair nearby. He and Zoe made eye contact, and it felt like a staring contest. Zoe raised an eyebrow, and Connor sighed. So far, none of them haven’t said a word.

Connor watched as Zoe grabbed a notebook from her desk, and wrote something down. She tore the paper out, and gave it to him. Connor hesitated at first, but read it anyways. _‘Is it about Evan?’_ it wrote.

Connor blushed immensely, and Zoe got her answer. “Its a long story.” Connor said, crumpling the paper in his hand. Zoe chuckled, and sat down on her bed.

“I’d thought so.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me, one month ago : Boy, sure can't wait to write the next chapter!  
> Me, as I have posted this chapter : *sigh* Well, _fuck_
> 
> \- THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH FOR 3k+ READS, LIKE HOW EVEN? TYSM!! <3  
> \- School, band, teacher's day, you know the drill  
> \- I AM SO SORRY ABOUT BEING 1 MONTH LATE LIKE HOLY SHIT WHO DOES THAT??  
> \- The movie mentioned is called 'Doukyuusei', I 111% recommend that you watch it. Especially if you want a pure BL movie, less smut and more fluff  
> \- Next chapter is probably gonna come in 2 weeks or 3? I have an exam coming and a project so fuck-
> 
> Have a nice day!
> 
> P.S. The disease isn't cured yet, because they haven't confessed to each other. So we're still suffering. :D


	13. Smile

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Here have some Murphy sibling and a little bit of mother and son bonding

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings : None~
> 
> ~~~
> 
> I have nothing to say here except
> 
> Enjoy!

Of all the things that are in Zoe’s bucket list, listening to her brother gush about someone else is definitely not one of them.

“So, basically, I kissed him. I did not plan that at all. But that’s also kind of me because I never think ahead and I just do the shit I do. And then I left, which is probably the worst thing anyone could ever do.” Connor said in one breath.

“And he’s this anxious little kid too which makes things worse than they’re supposed to be.” Connor slowly trailed off. Zoe stayed silent, how is she even supposed to respond?

“Jesus, I sound like Air Supply.” he mumbled under his breath. Zoe burst into laughter as Connor hid his face behind his hands.

“What happens in this room, stays in this room. I don’t want _anyone_ to know about this.” Connor demanded. Zoe looked at him, and nodded. “I mean, until you tell your undying love to him, of course.” she said.

“Why would I do that, I met him like a week or two ago!” Connor said. “No, you met him on the first day of school. You _got to know him_ a week or two ago.” Zoe corrected him. 

“Isn’t it the same?” Connor said. Zoe shrugged. “But you like him, right?” she asked. Connor nodded weakly.

Zoe sighed dramatically. “Never have I ever thought that my brother would ever talk about his little gay crush to me before.” she said. “Well, you probably have a gay crush too for all I know.” Connor scoffed.

They sat in silence for a while, until Zoe spoke.

“Wait what?” she said, like she was shocked for some reason. “What what?” Connor replied. “You said...” Zoe trailed off. Then she blushed and shook her head. “No no its nothing nevermind-”

“Hold on, don’t tell me-”

“Nonoyouheardnothing-”

“Zoe, my dear sister. Are you what I think you are?”

“Nonono I am not- get out of my room, Connor.” Zoe pointed at the door, but made no move to chase him away. “Who are they, Zoe? You can’t leave me hanging now!” Connor smiled at his sister, genuinely, for a first in a long time.

“Oooo~ little Zoe’s got a crush-” Connor teased. “Connor, no. I’m supposed to be the one teasing you.” she said. “Hey, you’ve teased me long enough.”

“I’m the sister, I’m supposed to tease you.” Zoe smirked. “I swear, my day will come. Just you wait.” Connor said. “I’ve got my eye on you, Zoe Murphy.” he added.

“Yeah sure, if you can go to school on Monday and see him then sure.” Zoe said. “Why wouldn’t I- oh.” Connor face palmed himself. “Shit, what am I gonna do.” he asked himself.

“He hasn’t messaged you or anything yet?” Zoe asked. “Zo, he’s Evan Hansen. He _doesn’t_ text.” Connor said. “Fair point.”

“Well, I’m sure its fine.” she said. “Now get out of my room, I need my beauty sleep.” she stretched, and flopped down on her bed. Connor picked up his bag, and walked out of the room.

“Goodnight, Connor.” she whispered. Connor switched the lights off, and just before he shut the door, he turned his head to look at his sister.

_“Goodnight, Zoe.”_

He really missed these times, what went wrong?

“Connor?”

He turned around to see his mother, standing near his bedroom. “Mom?” he said. “What are you doing at 4 in the morning?” she asked with a tired voice.

“Nothing much.” Connor lied. BOI he did a lot in the past few hours. “You were in Zoe’s room?” Cynthia raised an eyebrow.

“Well, uh...” Connor tensed. “You know, little sibling meeting.” he answered instead. It was kind of true though. Its been a long time since they’ve talked like that.

Cynthia giggled. “When was the last time you two had a ‘meeting’?” she joked. She sighed, and looked at him for a while. Connor felt... off.

“You know, you’ve been smiling a lot lately.” Cynthia said. Connor froze. “And I know you don’t smile a lot.” she added. It was true, Connor doesn’t smile. Practically never around his family.

“Zoe has been giving me hints, but it looks like you two are keeping secrets.” she said. She didn’t sound angry, but rather curious. Connor shrugged, like he always did.

Cynthia decided to let it slide, she didn’t want to push it too much. “Well,” Connor noticed how her shoulders relaxed.

“I don’t want you to stop smiling.” she said with a smile. “Good night, sweetie.” she patted his shoulder and went to her room. Connor just stood there, thinking.

_Sweetie._

Its been a long time since he’s heard that.

He felt his phone buzzing all of the sudden, so he took it out. His eyes burned for a moment from the bright screen, and he was shocked to receive a message from...

Jared Kleinman?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *slams hand on table* I'M BACK FROM THE BATTLEFIELD!!
> 
> \- Happy late Mother's Day hehe  
> \- Sorry for the short chapter :(  
> \- What do you mean that was a cliffhanger  
> \- I'll post another chapter soon don't worry  
> Have a nice day!


	14. The Strong One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Insanely Insecure Jared Kleinman-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings : None
> 
> ~~~
> 
> 'I'll update soon', she said.
> 
> Lol fml
> 
> Enjoy!

“You _what?_ ” Evan exclaimed. He could see Jared rolling his eyes on the screen.

_“Look, if you’re not gonna call Connor, then I will.” Jared said. “Well, I texted him.” he corrected himself._

Evan practically froze up, he didn’t know why. “Jared, I really don’t want to talk about it.” he whispered.

_“Its too late for that, acorn.” Jared chucked lightly. “He’s already replied.”_

Despite saying that he didn’t want to talk about it, Evan actually wanted to know if the kiss was a heat in the moment thing. “What did he say?” Evan said weakly.

_Jared was silent for a few seconds, before replying in a cocky voice. “So, you actually do want to know about this?” he teased._

Evan groaned, and covered his face with his hands. “Maybe?”

_“Man, I love being the middleman.” Jared laughed. “’The Insanely Cool Jared Kleinman’ is what they’re gonna call me.” he added._

Evan giggled at that name. “Or maybe ‘Jared Middleman’.”

_“Hey,” Jared pointed a finger at Evan. “that’s actually pretty good.” he smiled. “But I’m never gonna use it.” he added._

Evan let out a chuckle. He and Jared haven’t really been talking about Connor for the past few hours, it felt like it never even happened. They played video games until the sun was almost up. Now, he just had this sudden urge to ask something.

“Is this what being friends is like?” Evan said softly.

He froze, Jared froze. They just kind of stared at each other.

_“What?” Jared asked, paying full attention to Evan._

“N-nothing.” Evan immediately answered. Of course, Jared didn’t buy it. They stayed silent for another minute, then Jared looked away.

_“Well,” Jared started off. “it could be, if you wanted it to.” he answered. “You never really talked about yourself. I’ve tried a lot of times, but it always ends up being about trees.”_

Evan never really noticed that before.

_“I don’t mind really, I like trees too. But like- that’s all we’d ever talk about. If its not that, then it would be about me.” Jared said._

Evan really never noticed this before.

_“I’m just as insecure and anxious as you are, but I tend not to show it.” he admitted. “I mean, there’s always the strong friend, right? The one that helps the other friends instead of themselves?” he added._

Evan felt foolish for never noticing this.

_Jared chuckled, and fixed his glasses. “See, I’m talking about myself again.” he said. “Anyways, Connor’s not telling me about this. What should I do?” he changed the topic._

Evan thought for a moment, before saying something that he might regret. “Don’t reply, I’ll talk to him next week.” he said.

_Jared raised an eyebrow, but shrugged it off. “Roger that.” he said._

 

Monday came sooner than Evan actually liked.

“Mom, can I stay home for today?” he asked his mother. “The reason being?” Heidi asked back.

“I just... Don’t want to?” he tried to make an excuse. Heidi gave him an apologetic look. “There’s only a few more months, sweetie.” she said.

“Then you can stay at home for as long as you’d like.” she added with a smile. Evan nodded weakly. It was true, but he really didn’t want to wait for that day to come. “C’mon, I’ll take you to school if you want to?” Heidi insisted.

“Sure, why not?”

 

Evan got to school, and searched for Connor. He was mildly surprised when he saw Jared at the entrance, though. “Hey, flower boy.” Jared called out as soon as Evan got out of the car.

“Hey, Mrs. Hansen!” he added when he saw her in the car. “Hello, Jared. Have a nice day, you two!” she smiled, and drove off.

“So,” Jared immediately changed his persona when she was out of sight. “you gonna do it or what?” he asked. Evan shrugged.

“I feel less determined than the other day.” he simply answered. “No one’s pressuring you, buddy.” Jared smirked.

“No wait-” Jared turned his head, and Evan followed suit. “Speak of the goddamn devil.” Jared crossed his arms as Evan tensed up.

They waited for Connor to get out of the car that they were watching, but instead they saw Zoe. They waited for a few seconds, and then the car drove off.

Zoe Murphy was heading this way, without her brother in sight.

“Earth to Evan?” Jared snapped his fingers to get his attention. “Connor ain’t here.” he said.

“Yeah, I know.” Evan said. “I can see that.” He looked away and waited for Zoe to pass by, and she did. “Guess she doesn’t know anything yet.” Jared said.

Just as they were about to walk away from their spot, Zoe turned and looked at them. Then she started walking towards them. Evan tried to mentally prepare himself for what’s about to happen.

“Hey, Evan.” she said with an innocent smile. “Jared.” she added. “What’s up, Zoe?” Jared casually said.

“Oh, nothing much.” Zoe said. “I uh- actually wanna talk with Evan for a quick minute?”

“Oh, sure. I don’t mind.” Jared shrugged. “I’ll be at my locker, then.” he said, and gave Evan a pat on the back.

“Thanks, I won’t be long.” she said. When Jared was out of sight, Zoe looked at Evan with an unreadable expression. “Dinner.” she said.

“W-What?” Evan answered immediately.

“Connor wants you to come over after dinner.” she explained. “He has something to tell you.” she added.

“W-why didn’t he come today?” Evan asked. “He’s grounded, for today anyways.” she answered. “I don’t know what he did so don’t bother asking.”

“O-okay, then.” Evan said. “Great!” Zoe chirped. “I’ll see you after school then.” she said, and walked away without another word.

_After dinner, huh?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for updating like 3 weeks later-
> 
> My break just started so I'll try my best to finish this story as soon as possible!!
> 
> Have a nice day~


	15. Its Not Like That

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “No SHIT, ZOE.” Connor snapped in an instant. He stood there at the doorway, he looked confused and betrayed.
> 
> Evan didn't know what to say at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings : Evan gets a little bit of a panic attack, but its nothing serious
> 
> ~~~
> 
> Imma talk at the end notes so for now-
> 
> Enjoy!

The whole day went by with a blur. Evan was nervous and a little excited about the whole ‘going to the Murphy household’ later. He doesn’t know what Connor wants - actually no, he does know what he wants, but he doesn’t want to admit it - but he’s just gonna have to go there and see for himself.

“Evan!” he hears someone call out for him as soon as he exists the school. He turns his head towards the sound, and wasn’t surprised to see Zoe Murphy waving at him. Evan unknowingly smiled, and walked towards her.

“Hey.” he said. Zoe gave him her trademark smile. “You wanna head over now or what?” she asked him. That question was very unexpected, to say the least.

“Uh, sure?” he answered.

“Okay then, its not very far from here.” she said, and started walking. Evan caught up and walked next to her. “D-don’t you have band practice?” Evan asked out of the blue. Zoe shook her head. “Well, it wouldn’t hurt to skip once in a while, right?”

“W-what?” Evan gasped, and received a few giggles from Zoe. “Relax, practice was canceled today.” she admitted. Evan let out a nervous laugh.

“Are you always this anxious?” Zoe asked. Evan felt a bit self-conscious at the question, but answered nonetheless. “Kind of, yeah. Its a habit.”

“Well-” Zoe cut herself off, and stopped dead in her tracks. “Shit- I didn’t think she’d be out this early.” she whispered to herself.

“You okay?” Evan asked. Zoe looked at him for a short second, as if she was considering something. “You don’t mind if we alter our plans a bit, right Evan?” she asked.

“N-no. Not really.” Evan answered. Zoe clicked her tongue. “Come on.” she said, and started walking towards someone. Evan questioned himself whether or not he should be following at all.

“Hey, Alana!” Zoe called. Evan looked into the distance, and saw Alana Beck, waving back at Zoe. “Hello, Zoe.” she greeted.

“Me and Evan were gonna go grab some coffee together,” she said, pointing towards Evan. He was confused at this point, when did he agree to this? “Wanna come with?” she asked Alana.

Oh.

_Oh, indeed._

Wait, are they dating?

“Sure, my schedule’s free today.” Alana answered. “For now, anyways.” she added. “Great!” Zoe said a little bit too happily, but Alana doesn’t seem to notice.

Did Evan just agree to third wheel on this date or something?

 

“No, I do not have a crush on her! What makes you think that?” Zoe practically squeals. Evan looks around them for a few seconds, man he feels a bit of déjà vu right now. Alana had left a few minutes ago, Evan and Zoe hung back a little.

Evan doesn’t want to admit it, but he thinks that his theory is correct.

“Really? Cause its kinda obvious.” Evan tried to trick her. Zoe blinked at him. “R-really?” she said. “Is it that obvious?”

Evan tried not to smile at her answer.

“Well, you just admitted that you have a crush.” he said. Zoe blushed immensely, and buried her face in her hands. It kind of reminds him of Connor in way. The way his hair would fall down from his shoulders, and sometimes a blush would appear on his cheeks when Evan ‘accidentally’ said something good about him.

He lightly puts his fingers on his lips.

Clearly, he hasn’t forgotten about the kiss like Jared said he should.

“Look who’s the one blushing now.” Zoe said with sass. Evan immediately put his hand down, and looked away. “S-so when are we gonna go?” he tried to change the subject.

“That eager to see your boyfriend, huh?” Zoe sighed dramatically. “Sure, let’s get this drama over with already.”

 

It was about 6:30 or so when they got to the Murphy’s, and they saw that only one car was in the garage. “Looks like mom and dad are out.” Zoe said in a surprised tone. “For better or for worse, I guess.” she shrugged it off.

“Come in, it should be better without adults eyeing everything you do.” she said, unlocking the door and stepping inside.

Evan forgot when was the last time he was here, but nothing has really changed in his eyes. “Still looks as comfy and cozy as ever...” he said as he entered the house.

Zoe shut the door and looked around the house for a minute. “Where’s the goddamn boy who wanted me to drag you here?” she said.

Drag him here?

“Connor?” she called a few times, no response. “Maybe he’s in his room.” she said, and went upstairs. Evan followed her, just in case. Zoe peeked her head inside his room, and went inside when there was no sign of him.

“Motherfucker-” she whispered to herself. “He stole my nail polish again.” she said, picking up a small bottle of black nail polish. Evan giggled.

“He’s not here, even though he should be because he’s grounded.” she sighed, and sat down on his bed. “So much for being the wingman.”

Evan raised an eyebrow. Did Connor really want to talk to Evan? Asking for help doesn’t really seem like him, especially from Zoe. “By the way,” she suddenly said. “Why him of all people?”

Okay... didn’t expect this question to pop up.

“Its... a long story.” Evan answered simply. Zoe tilted her head to one side. “Tell me, we could pass the time.” Zoe insisted. “Well, if you really want to.” Evan tried to come up with the words.

“It started during second grade.” he started off simply. “I was never really good at making friends, so it was kind of hard for me.” the sad truth is that its still hard, probably harder than ever.

“One recess when I was sitting under a tree, this kid with really pretty hair came by and sat down next to me.” he smiled at the memory. “He said his name was Connor. His friends told him that I was a monster or something, because of my disease. So he kinda wanted to see for himself.”

“And then?”

“He stared at me for a while, being silent the whole time.”

“Really?” Zoe smirked.

“Yeah.” Evan let out a little laugh. “Then he asked if he could touch me, but I’m sure he meant the flowers on my skin.”

“That’s adorable.” Zoe commented. Evan blushed when she said that. He mumbled something under his breath.

“What did you say?” she asked. Evan looked away, and held the hem of his shirt. “T-that’s what he s-said to me.”

“What, really?” Zoe sounded surprised. Evan nodded. “I was surprised too, I didn’t expect anyone to say that to me, ever.” he said.

“Why so?” she asked. “People called me names before, because of the flowers on my skin. I was a total outcast, no one wanted to talk to me.” he paused for a moment.

“But when Connor said that, it felt... nice. He looked so sincere and cute, I just couldn’t help but smile.” he remembered it all so clearly. “I was hoping to see him the next day, and I did. He would always talk to me during recess, and we did that until...”

They sat in silence, until Zoe spoke. “Until?”

“He stopped, everything...” Evan’s heart sank. Zoe kept her silence, and waited for Evan to continue.

“I heard rumors from his classmates that he threw a printer at a teacher, apparently he got really angry over something so small.” he said. “He stopped going to school, for about a week or two.”

Zoe remembers this.

“When he got back, he was a completely different person.” Evan kept looking down, like he felt bad. “No one talked to him, he was a complete loner.”

Just like me.

“I didn’t know what to do, didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know if he even remembered me, because I never told him my name.” he said. “It was his smile that made me like him.”

Then one day it was just gone.

“He still has the same charming smile...” he said under his breath. The two were silent for what felt like minutes, Zoe being speechless and Evan was left thinking.

“Wow...” Zoe said. “Are you serious?” she asked.

Evan nodded weakly, eyes still on the floor. He felt warm tears streaming down his face all of the sudden.

“Evan?” Zoe said in an instant. “Are you alright?” she asked, reaching out a hand for him.

Evan couldn’t move, he felt trapped in a way.

“What if I had said something? What if I actually did something instead of watching him suffer from the sidelines? What if I had just talked to him and made him forget about everyone like he did for me-”

“Evan, calm down- just breathe for me.” Zoe tried to calm him down. Zoe gave him pats on the back, and Evan tried to control his breathing. “Its okay, you have him now. Nothing’s ruined yet, you can still do something.” she reassured him.

Zoe gently hugged him, like Evan was a terrified little child. “Its okay, Evan. Things happen.” she said softly. Something about Zoe saying that reminds him of his mother..

“Zoe?”

“Connor?” Zoe said, immediately she released Evan. “I-Its not what you think it is-”

“No SHIT, ZOE.” Connor snapped in an instant. He stood there at the doorway, he looked confused and betrayed. “That’s the last I’m-” Connor held a hand to his mouth, as if he was stopping himself from speaking.

Zoe and Evan sat there and looked at Connor, who had an unreadable expression on his face. “Fuck-” they faintly heard Connor say before he started dashing down the hall.

_Shit._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well _shit?_
> 
> > As you can see I'm ending this story at chapter 17, I already have the path planned out so get your asses ready for a happy ending-  
> > But of course, I gotta do that 'Angst' tag proud first  
> > Also no one commented about Jared being insecure lol my poor child  
> > I wanted to put Alana into the story like 10 chapters ago but oh well, better late than never right?  
> > Just a little bit of Galaxy Girls there cause why not  
> > Btw any of you know the song 'Feelings Are Fatal'?
> 
> Have a nice day~


	16. I'm Breaking Slowly

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You might wanna skip this chapter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Implied self-harm/implied self-hate/panic attacks/past self-harm/suicide attempts**
> 
>  
> 
> I advise you to _not_ read the whole chapter if you're easily triggered by the things above.
> 
> The section after '~~~~~' is probably? less likely to trigger you, but it still has some heavy stuff.
> 
> Reader discretion advised
> 
> <><><><><><><><><>
> 
> Below is a quick summary of the chapter 
> 
> \- Connor gets a panic attack, so he goes to the abandoned apple orchard to calm himself down  
> \- He jumped to conclusions, he thought Evan liked Zoe because they were 'hugging'  
> \- He's reminded about all the reasons why he hates himself and why he should be dead  
> \- He remembers the reason why he and Zoe grew distant (Connor cut himself once and Zoe told their parents, she thought she helping)  
> \- Connor eventually calms down, and slowly falls asleep in the orchard

Connor stood there wide-eyed, and he felt his heart drop and shatter.

_Of course, he likes Zoe._

He shut the door angrily and ran as fast as he could, he nearly fell while going down the stairs. He tried a few times before getting the car keys. He can’t do anything right. He went of the house as soon as he could.

_Today was a horrible day._

He had already been grounded by Larry for smoking again, so he couldn’t see Evan for the day. He debated whether or not he should ask Zoe for ‘help’, but he thought he would seem desperate.

Frustrated, he turned the car engine on and drove to the only place he wanted to be at right now. He spat out a string of curse words, and tried his best to not get a panic attack. Of course, if you keep thinking about it, it’s gonna come either way.

_He needs it to stop._

It hurts so much. So much more than the flowers and he fucking hates it. He puts some music on so he can know that he’s still there, so he can distract himself or something.

_‘I'm happy for you, I'm smiling for you.  
I'd do anything for you, for you._

Why did this song have to fucking play. He’s smiling, he doesn’t know why. Maybe this world is laughing at how stupid and pathetic he is right now. He kept his eyes on the road, and he gripped the steering wheel as hard as he could, like he was scared of letting go.

_‘It’s always for you, and never for me.  
And I need it to stop, so let me tell you please.’_

It was almost night time, he was glad about that. Maybe if it was dark enough he could disappear into the night. But reality isn’t that easy. His problems aren’t that easy. Feeling love isn’t that easy.

_‘I'm always sad, and I'm always lonely.  
But I can’t tell you that I'm breaking slowly.’_

Evan wasn’t supposed to meet Connor, let alone know about his existence. Connor was this broken and complicated person that nobody would ever want to deal with. His parents couldn’t help him, why did he think Evan was any different. Nobody could help him. Nobody could see him and think that he could be saved.

‘Closed doors locked in, no keys.  
Keeping my feelings hidden, there is no ease.’

He looked at his arms and absolutely hated himself. The cuts reminded him of all the reasons why he hated himself. He’s a disappointment, a horrible human, a disgrace, a monster, a ball of hatred and stupidity. He shouldn’t even be alive at this point.

_‘I need it to stop, and I want to be able to open up.  
But my feelings are fatal.’_

Connor felt a little bit relieved when he saw the welcome sign of the abandoned orchard in the distance. He could scream as loud as he could, break anything that his body would allow, and cry without any eyes on him. He liked that thought.

_‘My feelings are fatal.’_

He stopped right in front of the entrance gate. He turned the engine off and got out in an instant. He opened the gate and ran. He just ran, the only lights he had were from the night sky and his phone. He turned his phone off when it kept vibrating.

He stopped in front of the open field, and just stared at it. It looked so beautiful. The sun shined on the evening sky, and it was just mesmerizing. Connor didn’t deserve this view, he didn’t deserve anything.

His vision went blurry, and his heart was racing.

He can’t feel anything. His hands were shaking, but he couldn’t feel it. His chest was painful, he couldn’t breath. He wanted to scream, but he could only burst out crying. He couldn’t say anything, he couldn’t see anything.

He fell down onto his knees, and felt all of the demons and regrets on him. Maybe this was the only thing he could have. Pain, regret, anger, sadness, hate. He fell onto the grass and curled up into a ball.

No one can hear him. He could just scream and cry as much as he wanted, but there was nothing. He just kept shaking there, at one spot. His eyes were shut tight, and he kept holding onto his wrist. He tried to stop shaking, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t control anything.

He took in short breaths once every few seconds, and he felt so empty. He slowly opened his eyes, and he only saw the cuts on his wrists. It felt like only yesterday, when he grabbed the razor from the bathroom.

He was thirteen, and he felt so alone that time. No one wanted to talk to him. People treated him like a monster, a freak. The blood distracted him from all the mental pain he was feeling. It slowly turned into addiction. Oh how he wanted to cut the scars right now, and go a little deeper.

But his hands only felt numb. He hugged himself tighter, and tried to wipe the tears away. The one time he let his walls down, all the disasters started flooding in at once. He hated it. He hated everyone, everything. His family, his school, his mind, his actions.

He hated himself most of all.

The look of pain and fear on Zoe’s face that time when she saw the blood dripping on the bathroom floor will never leave his mind. His sister, the only person that could maybe understand him, ran away from him.

She didn’t help him, she didn’t help anything at all. She ran and told their parents. Cynthia patched him up, and Larry only gave him another talk about why he was so stupid for trying that. For trying to get their attention for nothing, for being so careless, and also maybe scarring Zoe for life.

That was the point where he stopped caring, the point where he thought that the light inside him was no longer there. He shouldn’t have gotten angry, he shouldn’t have done anything, he should’ve just shut up.

All he remembers after that is him and Zoe getting into a fight, Connor crying, Zoe leaving, and their relationship ruined. Everything, _absolutely ruined._

He didn’t know when he started talking out loud, but saying it felt a little bit better. He wiped his tears away, and slowly opened his eyes. They felt heavy, he felt tired. He turned his body and looked at the sky.

He moved his hair away from his face, and rested his hands on his chest. His breathing was slowly going back to normal, and he stopped shaking. It was so quiet that he could faintly hear his heartbeat.

He let out a deep breath. He sniffled a little, and blinked. His mind was blank. He felt better once he cried, and said his problems out loud. He hated these panic attacks, but he couldn’t do anything about it.

He couldn’t help himself.

There were still tears streaming down his face, but he didn’t mind. Everything was so heavy, he just had to let it out somehow. If he’s not yelling or throwing something, it always resorts to tears being shed and thoughts unheard.

He was getting better at not getting angry, mostly because the anger would turn into sadness. It wasn’t healthy, Connor knows that. But he wasn’t hurting anyone else other than himself, and he felt less like a monster like that. So it was his best option.

There is no ease.

~~~~~~~~~~

“I’m so fucking sorry.” Zoe said to Evan. “He didn’t actually ask me to bring you here. I saw that he was angry this morning when dad said he was grounded. I thought bringing you here would make him a little bit happier.” she explained.

“I didn’t think it would end up like this.” she ran a hand through her hair. At that moment, they both heard the sound of a car engine turning on. “He’s in the car already?!” Zoe ran to the window, and saw a car backing up to the driveway.

“Evan, please go after him.” she pleaded. “I can’t do anything good around him, please just help me.” she started panicking. “Okay, but please calm down for me first.” Evan wanted to make sure that Zoe would be okay before he left.

“I-I will. I’ll call Alana over.” she said, searching for her phone in her pockets. “Evan, he was really mad. Nothing good ever happens when he’s mad. I think he-”

“Zoe, calm down. I know.” he said to her. “I’ll make sure he’s safe, just calm down for me.” he added. Zoe nodded, and went to her room. Evan had never seen Zoe like this before, she must be really worried.

 

Zoe knows to never ever tell their parents if Connor got angry, because they’d just make it worse. She’s learned her lesson, from that one time that Larry scolded Connor for trying to cut himself.

Zoe was terrified that time, she wanted to help him, but she didn’t know how. So she told their parents, she thought that maybe they could help him in a way that she couldn’t. She was wrong.

All she remembers after that is Connor crying, Zoe crying, and their relationship ruined.

She should’ve been a better sister. And when she finally got his trust back, she unknowingly broke it again. She was so careless.

Maybe Evan could help fix them.


	17. Dear Evan Hansen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dear Evan Hansen, today has been an amazing day.
> 
>  
> 
> _And here's why..._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No trigger warnings, its all rainbows and sunshine in this chapter
> 
> Enjoy!

_‘Dear Evan Hansen,_

_Today has been an amazing day, and here’s why...’_

Evan hoped to see something bad, like- really, really bad. So when he arrived at the orchard and found Connor on the ground, a million thoughts ran through his head. Most of them were unpleasant.

“Connor?!” he shouted. He ran towards him as fast as he could. He got on his knees and frantically shook Connor’s body.

“Evan?” Connor said, surprised. “W-what are you doing here?” he asked. His voice was dry and it was obvious that he had been crying, a lot.

Evan would know.

Connor sniffled and moved his hair aside. His movements were weak, and his eyes were red. “Y-you shouldn’t be here...” he said quietly. He looked very vulnerable, something that Evan’s never seen before.

“That’s my line.” Evan said. Without thinking, he wrapped his arms around Connor. The other didn’t make a move to push him away, and he was glad. “Why did you run away?” Evan whispered.

Connor remained silent, he was too tired to say anything.

“Did you think I was with Zoe?” Evan asked, holding Connor tight. “She was trying to help-”

“I don’t need your bullshit, Evan.” Connor deadpanned. “She’s never cared for me so why would she want to help? No one’s ever cared.” he added. “Now if you’re not going to say anything else just leave me-”

“I care.” Evan cut him off.

Connor froze. Then all the tears came down at once. “S-stop it.” he said, his body was shaking. “Stop lying to me-”

“I do, and I always have.” Evan said. He broke the hug and looked at Connor straight in the eyes. He’s always loved those eyes, how they’d sparkle from time to time.

“10 years ago, a little boy with really pretty hair suddenly sat down with me during recess. He had the prettiest smile and most charming laugh, I couldn’t forget him even if I tried.” Evan said to him.

“I wanted to see that smile everyday, because it was the only smile I wanted to see for the rest of my life.” he admitted. He noticed how Connor looked confused. Evan took a deep breath, and chose his words carefully.

“Then one day, that boy stopped smiling.” he said. “I wanted to talk to him. I thought maybe I could make him smile.” he noticed how Connor’s face had changed. “But I never tried.”

Evan raised his hands, and cupped Connor’s face. “10 years later, I started talking to him again.” he said, smiling softly. “His smile was still as pretty as ever.”

Connor had looked away, Evan didn’t know why. “The best part was, I made him smile.” Evan said softly. “And what does that have to do with me?” Connor said bitterly.

Evan sighed. “That boy with the pretty hair, beautiful smile and charming laugh?” he said nervously. Connor looked at him, and his eyes had a glimpse of hope.

“That’s you.”

Connor froze, again. He looked like he wasn’t breathing. Evan moved his thumb to wipe away a tear drop that was going down Connor’s face. Connor looked away, clearly trying to process all of this.

“D-did you say 10 years ago?” he asked. “Are you sure?” Connor felt deceived. But Evan nodded anyway. “Y-you’re ki-”

“I’m not kidding.” Evan cut him off. “I’m sorry it took me this long to tell you.” he added, and he felt a little bit sad.

“But believe me when I say that I love you. All your flaws, imperfections, mistakes, insecurities, any part of you. I don’t care if its good or bad, because its still you. And I love you.”

_(Holy shit, that sounds so cheesy but I fucking love it)_

Finally, he’s confessed everything. After so many goddamn years, he’s done it.

Connor raised his hands, and gently put Evan’s hands down from his face. His expression was unreadable. Evan was so caught up in the moment that he didn’t even consider the thought of rejection, but does it even matter at this point?

Connor was staring at their hands, and he was silent. It was a different kind of silence, and Evan was slowly growing concern second by second.

Evan jumped a little when Connor brought Evan’s hands to his lips, and planted a soft kiss.

“I’m sorry.” Connor said. “I don’t think I can love you as much as you love me. Ever.” he added.

“But... at the very least, I know that I love you. And I’ll try.” a little smile formed on Connor’s lips. “I have you... and that’s more than enough.”

Evan smiled, and planted a kiss on Connor’s forehead.

_‘Connor has been the greatest thing that I’ve ever known, and now he knows how much he means to me. It all just seems... so unreal. I really can’t believe it. But I can, because its true. For once, I feel lucky to be alive._

_Sincerely, Me.’_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Evan got there by bus.
> 
> > And there we have it! I hope that ending was good.   
> > Lowkey wanted to post this yesterday but I slept while writing this  
> > Was chapter 16 really necessary? Well, I thought it was-  
> > Will I be making more fanfiction? Hell yes I will (I've already written some for Yuri!!! On Ice lol)  
> > Will I be making more fanfiction of DEH? Probably, no promises though.  
> > Speaking of, check out 2 other oneshots I wrote called 'A Thousand Years' and 'Come Home'  
> > Seriously though how the fuck did this story reach over 5k hits???  
> > Thanks for leaving a Kudos, writing a comment and bookmarking this silly story of mine. I really appreciate it!
> 
> Have a nice day~


End file.
